RSO

By Michael J. Legeros


"Dear Parents and Concerned Citizens," opens the yellow leaflet
that was tacked to my mailbox.  "The so-and-so Task Force is pro-
viding you with this so-and-so information because 'Active Notifi-
cation' laws are absent in our state."  And it goes on, detailing
the threefold mission of their "non-profit, grassroots organiza-
tion."  They want to educate, legislate, and, most importantly,
notificate Raleigh residents when a person with a particular past
moves in next door.  They also wouldn't mind a little money, not
surprisingly, as they rely on "generous contributions" to fund
everything from the postage and handling of "information packages"
to the purchase of "background records and related documents."
Were I someone other than myself, I might be compelled to respond.
Perhaps to voice an opinion, pro or con.  And maybe even chuck a
little coin their way.  (Though shouldn't they pay *me* for the
privilege of their tattling on my neighbors?)  Either way, I fig-
ger the least I can do for the women and children and concerned
citizens on my block is to come clean about *my* past; to throw
open the cellar doors and let all who care to look see the skele-
tons I've accumulated since age 18.

Here's what's on my record...


  o REGISTERED DIVORCEE - Subject overheard referring to ex-wife.
    Has dated since. [1]

  o REGISTERED MORTGAGE HOLDER - Subject seen spending money at
    Home Depot in $100 increments.  Only mows lawn when absolute-
    ly necessary. [2]

  o REGISTERED ORDAINED MINISTER - Subject overheard calling him-
    self "Reverend Legeros."  Can legally perform marriage cere-
    monies in the State of North Carolina. [3]

  o REGISTERED ELVIS IMPERSONATOR - Subject seen wearing white
    polyester jumpsuit.  Has also been spotted at area doughnut
    shops. [4]

  o REGISTERED PERSON-OWNED-BY-CAT - Subject observed shouting
    "here kitty, kitty, kitty" in residential area.  Has also
    been treated for scratches on arms and legs. [5]

  o REGISTERED ONLINE MOVIE CRITIC - Subject seen often entering
    movie theaters without paying for a ticket.  Also observed
    shamelessly self-promoting Web site. [6]

  o REGISTERED SELF-TAUGHT ROCK DRUMMER - Subject seen banging
    on any available surface.  Available for weddings, bah
    mitzvahs, and blues bar jams. [7]

  o REGISTERED LESSON-TAUGHT LINE DANCER - Subject observed two-
    stepping at area country bars.  Owns own cowboy boots. [8]

  o REGISTERED JERRY SPRINGER SHOW SUPPORTER - Subject spotted
    throwing chairs while watching television.  Owns both vol-
    umes of "Too Hot For TV." [9]

  o REGISTERED GREEK-AMERICAN MIDWESTERN YANKEE-TURNED-SOUTHERNER
    - Subject seen living in Minnesota prior to 1980.  Doesn't
    miss the winters. [10]


                          R e f e r e n c e s
                          ===================

    1. December 30, 1991

    2. Four inches or higher

    3. Universal Life Church, Modesto, CA

    4. Rare photo at http://www.legeros.com/xmas

    5. Felix

    6. Movie Hell Dot Com

    7. Rare clip at http://www.legeros.com/music

    8. Yee-ha!

    9. Only $19.95 each

   10. You betcha!


Copyright 1999 by Michael J. Legeros


A version of this essay appeared in the September 1-7, 1999 issue of the "Independent Weekly"


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