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The Movie Hell™ Disclaimer
I didn't like it? I was way off- base? I need to get a life? Choose one or more of the following excuses: The film broke - It was out of focus - The Dolby wasn't working - The wrong aspect ratio was in use - The projector bulb was wearing out - My seat was broken - The armrest was missing - The cup holder was too big - The people behind me wouldn't stop talking - I couldn't find a seat up front - My date kept cracking her gum - Some idiot kept kicking my seat - The tall guy in front of me blocked the subtitles - The short guy beside me was wearing too much cologne - The roof leaked - The seats squeaked - The floors were sticky - The exit light was too bright - The auditorium smelled like mildewed gym shorts stained with various bodily fluids - The feature was started early - I arrived late - The trailers were lousy - The film was threaded backwards - The closing credits were cut off - The fire alarm went off - The ushers were unfriendly - The manager was surly - I ran out of red Ju-Jy fruits - The popcorn was stale - My Coke was flat - Someone farted - I got tired - I fell asleep - I was on a sugar high - I got a-scared, covered my eyes, and missed an important part - My head hurt - My glasses broke - My shoes came untied - The a/c was on in December - The heat was on in July - I had to share an armrest - A baby was crying - Some woman was sobbing - A pager went off - Bottles got knocked over - Someone's cell phone kept ringing - The walls were too thin - The screen was stained - The fire exit was blocked in the event of an emergency - The house lights were up - The curtain was down - The frame was too high - The speakers were blown - Kids were running in the aisles - People kept arriving after it started - I was on a first date, made a pass, and got slapped - I'd already seen the movie - The book was better - The script was better - I ran out of paper - I dropped my pen - I left my clipboard in the car - I'd already seen one movie that day - I'd already seen two movies that day - I didn't leave work in time - My preferred theater was sold-out - I had to see it while on vacation - I didn't have enough time to think about it afterward - I wasn't familiar with the writer - I'd never heard of the director - It was a sequel - It was a comic-book adaptation - It was a domestic remake of a foreign film - I didn't get a press kit - I'd seen the trailer too many times - Some bozo in the lobby gave away the story surprise - I wasn't in the mood for a comedy - I'd had my fill of art films - I'd been up since 5 a.m. - I had a long day at the office - I had a fight with my girlfriend - My mother was with me - My date never showed - I was recovering from outpatient surgery - The weather was nice, the buzz was bad, and I really, really, really wanted to be somewhere else.
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