Apology

By Michael J. Legeros

Good evening.

Tonight at the Rialto theater, from one of their wonderfully com-
fortable new chairs, I got up and walked out of MR. JEALOUSY.  I
arrived at this decision spontaneously, after a not-quite-private
hour of watching footage no American citizen would want to be sub-
jected to on a Friday night, especially when there are far, far
better things to be done.  Such as scrubbing the shower.  And that
is why I am writing to you tonight.  As you know, in reviews writ-
ten earlier this year, I have answered questions about my relation-
ship with Movies That I Walk Out Of.  While my answers were large-
ly accurate, I did not volunteer information.  Such as how I
might've already seen *one* bad movie that day, as I did this af-
ternoon with WRONGFULLY ACCUSED.  Or how I might've consumed a big
meal beforehand, resulting in a case of the dreaded digestive sle-
epies.  (Tonight 'twas a steak taco chased by a Dairy Queen Buster
Bar.)

Indeed, I have walked out of movies when it wasn't entirely the
fault of the film.  In fact, they probably didn't even suck.  These
actions constituted a critical lapse in tolerance and a personal
decision on my part for which I am solely and completely responsi-
bile and very likely to repeat again.  But as I've written before
and as I write to you now, I did not ask anyone to tell me how the
movie turned out, so I could lie and assign a letter grade other
than the big "W/O."   I know, too, that my public comments and my
lack of silence about this matter may give a false impression that
I was actually paying attention to whatever footage I *did* see.
Not.

I may have misled people, including even my mother, who dutifully
reads her son's reviews each month and, sometimes, even walks out
with him.  I can only tell you tonight I was motivated by many
factors.  First, to keep from embarrassing myself by falling asleep
in a theater and then leaving later with an enormous drool stain on
my shirt.  I also very concerned about protecting my private prop-
erty.  The fact that a copy of Jerry Springer's Too Hot For TV 2
was waiting in my mailbox, there for the taking, was another con-
sideration.  In addition, I had real and serious concerns about
doing a couple loads of laundry before the morning.  (I might add
that tonight's independent investigation of my underwear found no
evidence of skid marks.)  Friends, after an hour, the movie, MR.
JEALOUSY, had gone on too long, become too boring, and had ceased
being funny.

Now, this matter stands between me and the remainder of my Friday
night.  I must finish my thoughts, so I can get on with what's left
of my evening.  Nothing is more important to me personally.  But it
*is* a personal choice and I intend to continue to claim the right
to walk out on any movie at a moment's notice.  It's nobody's
business but mine, except, of course, when I write about it.  Even
a movie critic values their free time.  My Friday evening went on
one hour too long, and I take my responsibility for my part in
choosing to see something that hadn't been that well-reviewed to
begin with.  That is all I can do.  Now it is time-- in fact, it is
*past* time to move on and begin writing about the other stuff that
I've seen.  Such as LAWN DOGS and I WENT DOWN.  I have important
work to do-- real opportunities to walk out on yet another movie,
watch the 25th Anniversary release of THE EXORCIST that I bought,
or try to solve the puzzle of why HOW STELLA GOT HER GROOVE BACK is
so slow in the second hour.  And so tonight, I advise you to turn
away from this week's Rialto offering and return your attention to
the better films playing in other Triangle theaters.

Thank you for reading.  And good night.

Copyright 1998 Michael J. Legeros
 

Originally posted to triangle.movies as MOVIE HELL: Apology