Adult Immature Impatience Disorder

By Michael J. Legeros

Tuesday afternoon.  I'm trudging through snow, 18 inches of it and
still falling, courtesy of a slow-moving nor'easter, the ass-end of
which is resting over Raleigh, North Carolina.  The snowy precip
started in the wee hours; by daybreak, the rapidly accumulating
fluffs had ground all activities-to-be to a halt.  Schools, stores,
offices, and businesses stayed closed.  Even Crabtree Valley Mall
remained unopened!  Most of the roads were initially impassible, as
the morning newscasters repeated ad infinitum.  (And as the footage
from the DOT's interstate-mounted cameras clearly showed...)  By
early afternoon, however-- when Yours Truly undertook a half-mile
(one-way) trek for food (junk food)--  more than a few vehicles had
ventured out.  On both Brentwood Road and Capital Boulevard, I saw
sport utes, large cars, small cars, trucks, snowplows, a fire truck
with tire chains, and, most memorable of all, a guy on a three-
wheeler ridin' right down US.1!  The corner convenience store was
doing brisk business, but they were bagged-out, so I stuffed my po-
tato chips, caramel corn, Butterfinger bars, and Chips Ahoy cookies
into my parka.  And I can only imagine what the many people I passed
must've thought at this six-foot busty brunette who obviously needed
a shave...

While walking back, I also began reflecting on my illness.  And how
the situation might've been much, *much* worse, were I living in
smaller quarters.  Or, perhaps, in a more isolated section of the
city.  See, I suffer from AIID, Adult Immature Impatience Disorder.
Because of an attitudinal imbalance in my brain, I require near-con-
stant stimulation during each minute of every waking hour.  Without
such stimulation, my condition can worsen and result in a crippling
form of boredom that, in turn, can lead to such desperate measures
as self-tattooing.  Or watching pro wrestling.  (One case, document-
ed in 1997 and subsequently reported in the "Newer England Journal
of Medicine," saw a hypo-stimulated subject seeking refuge in the
music of John Tesh.  He later drowned in a pool of his own drool.)
Over the years, though, I've learned to cope.  Exercise, for exam-
ple, is not longer a form of torture, provided I have moving scen-
ery, a headset tuned to talk radio, and at least a couple women in
bodysuits within my field of vision.  So, for the benefit of others
who suffer as I do, here are some of *my* personal demons and the
various ways that I've learned to cope.  Maybe someday they'll find
a cure...


  o Eating Alone - At home, that's what the television is for.
    Away from home, reading material is required.  Book, news-
    paper, bomb-making instructions, etc.  Pen and paper will
    often do in a pinch, as well.  In the event of *emergency*
    solo sustenance consumption, a kid's menu and crayons can
    be utilized.  Be prepared, however, to be rejected when
    you ask that your artwork be displayed alongside the oth-
    er kids'.

  o Red Lights - I've found that a two-tiered approach works
    best.  First, keep turning right on red, taking round-
    about routes while always remaining in motion.  Second,
    for those times that require stopping, have a newspaper or
    magazine handy.  Mere *seconds* after you start reading,
    the traffic light will change to green, as indicated by
    the friendly honking of the person behind you.

  o Pumping Gas - Absolutely the worst.  Going from a high-
    stimulation activity (driving) to standing in one small
    spot, nozzle in hand, and enduring an oh-so-slow rate of
    dispensation.  Needless to say, avoid those service sta-
    tions where you can't pay at the pump.  I've even been
    known to drive off upon discovering that the nozzle can't
    be locked open, leaving your hands free for butt-scratch-
    ing, nose-picking, or windshield-wiping.

  o Watching a TV Show - Can't do it, unless it's taped, so I
    can fast-forward through the commercials.  (The one excep-
    tion is the Superbowl, which is taped so I can fast-for-
    ward through the *football*.)  If it's live, I'm channel-
    surfing.  And if a *second* person is watching, I'll hand
    *them* the remote and go read a book.  Or play on the com-
    puter.

  o Watching a Video - Also very difficult to do.  Excepting
    circumstances include (a.) at home sick and/or recovering
    from outpatient surgery or (b.) with a second person pre-
    sent, so *they* can be watched watching the movie.  Oddly,
    I own approximately three dozen movies-on-tape, including
    such staples as THE EXORCIST, YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN, and THE
    GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY.

  o Weddings, Meetings, Live Theater, or Classroom Instruc-
    tion - Doodle pads are essential.  Same for prearranged
    daydreams.  Also, the presence of one or more playmates
    can greatly ease any tedium.  Be cautious of note-passing,
    though.  Wedding vows, sermons, soliloquies, et al can
    be *very* distracting.  Read each note *twice* so you
    don't miss anything.

  o Shopping with a Second Person - If at a mall, people
    watching works.  If at a woman's clothing store, hanging
    around the changing rooms is interesting.  The use of a
    stick-mounted mirror is recommended for added excitement,
    though obviously not in the presence of either (a.) a se-
    curity guard or (b.) any undressed subject who can kick
    your ass.

  o Movie Previews I've Already Seen - As someone who sees as
    many as three movies a week, this is a *major* annoyance.
    One workaround is arriving five (or more) minutes late,
    though *that* risks a missed beginning, which is unaccept-
    able.  Another solution involves the closing of one's
    eyes, the plugging of one's ears, and humming at a volume
    that exceeds that of the theater's sound system.  Be fore-
    warned: the latter may cause nearby patrons to seek seat-
    ing elsewhere.

Copyright 2000 Michael J. Legeros