|legeros.com > Writing > Nostradamus Sleepwalks|
In the event of insomnia: Put clothes on; Get in car; Turn on heat; Drive south on Capital Boulevard; Shiver until heat comes on around Peace Street; Pass central fire station; Pass nearly completed Ray Price Harley building; Note irony of listening to "Sleepwalk" (Brian Setzer's version, from "The Dirty Boogie"); Watch for cops; Drive south on 401; Pull into parking lot of Garner Super K-Mart (open 24 hours); Grab grocery cart; Pass closed electronics section; Be disappointed by slim pickings in toy-car section; Play chicken with Zamboni-sized floor waxer; Laugh at "open mic night" sale announcements; Haggle with store clerk over price of Cold-Eeze (tablets not lozenges); Scan tab- loid headlines; Laugh at tabloid headlines; Purchase one of each, for the purpose of reprinting below: Headlines For December 7, 1999 ============================== o 5-ft-2 Woman: I Lost 815 lbs! (Sun) o New Shampoo Makes You Smarter (Examiner) o Demi Love Nest Scandal - Exposed! (Globe) o Jack Klugman's Secret Sex Surgery! (Globe) o Arnold Heart Surgery Terror (frowning) (Star) o Ricky Martin - Truth About Those Gay Rumors (Star) o Jaclyn Smith Rips Kathie Lee - Nasty Feud (Enquirer) o Lisa Marie Packs 20 Pounds - Shocking Photos Inside! (Enquirer) o Mary Tyler Moore: Sex Crime Victim - In Her Own Words (frowning) (Examiner) o Peanuts Slash Heart Disease - New Health Studies Reveal (Sun) o Bryant Gumbel's Wife Attacks Mistress - Divorce Showdown (Enquirer) o 'Practice' Hunk's Nude Romps & Affair with Julia Roberts (no pictures, I checked) (Examiner) o Tim Allen Divorce Nightmare - Booze, Drugs & Women (Star) o Oprah Splurges - $1 Million in Xmas Shopping Spree (Star) o Rosie's Baby's Secret - 'I've Got News...' (with moonpie- sized photo that's gonna haunt me) (Enquirer) o JFK Jr Betrayed By Cheating Wife - World Exclusive (Globe) o NASCAR Hunks' Intimate Secrets - Rev Up Your Engines, Gals (Globe) o Free Pokemon Giveaway! - Win Charizard - Why It's The Card Every Kid Wants! (except me) (Examiner) o Sleepy Hollow Beauty Slashes & Burns Her Body - Christina's Hooked on Self-Mutilation (Star) o Di's Son and Princess Grace's Granddaughter - Match Made in Heaven... (Examiner) o Jealous Kathie Lee Attacks Regis! - She Hates His 'Million- aire Success' (well, who wouldn't?) (Globe) o Nostradamus and the Fatima Prophecies - Uncensored at Last! - Secrets the Vatican Never Wanted You to Know - Warnings of Deadly New Natural Disasters - Startling Revelations on Second Coming of Christ - Plus Much More! (Sun) o The Year 2000 - Are We on the Eve of Destruction? - Are We Just Days Away From Judgment Day? - Is Bizarre Winter Weather a Sign From God? - Has Satan Unleashed Frightening New Viruses on Mankind? - Will 2nd Great Depression Bring American to its Knees? (Weekly World News, of course) Copyright 1999 Michael J. Legeros
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Copyright 2019 by Michael J. Legeros