Nostradamus Sleepwalks

By Michael J. Legeros

In the event of insomnia:  Put clothes on; Get in car; Turn on
heat; Drive south on Capital Boulevard; Shiver until heat comes
on around Peace Street; Pass central fire station; Pass nearly
completed Ray Price Harley building; Note irony of listening to
"Sleepwalk" (Brian Setzer's version, from "The Dirty Boogie");
Watch for cops; Drive south on 401; Pull into parking lot of
Garner Super K-Mart (open 24 hours); Grab grocery cart; Pass
closed electronics section; Be disappointed by slim pickings in
toy-car section; Play chicken with Zamboni-sized floor waxer;
Laugh at "open mic night" sale announcements; Haggle with store
clerk over price of Cold-Eeze (tablets not lozenges); Scan tab-
loid headlines; Laugh at tabloid headlines; Purchase one of
each, for the purpose of reprinting below:

                 Headlines For December 7, 1999

  o 5-ft-2 Woman: I Lost 815 lbs! (Sun)

  o New Shampoo Makes You Smarter (Examiner)

  o Demi Love Nest Scandal - Exposed! (Globe)

  o Jack Klugman's Secret Sex Surgery! (Globe)

  o Arnold Heart Surgery Terror (frowning) (Star)

  o Ricky Martin - Truth About Those Gay Rumors (Star)

  o Jaclyn Smith Rips Kathie Lee - Nasty Feud (Enquirer)

  o Lisa Marie Packs 20 Pounds - Shocking Photos Inside!

  o Mary Tyler Moore: Sex Crime Victim - In Her Own Words
    (frowning) (Examiner)

  o Peanuts Slash Heart Disease - New Health Studies Reveal

  o Bryant Gumbel's Wife Attacks Mistress - Divorce Showdown

  o 'Practice' Hunk's Nude Romps & Affair with Julia Roberts
    (no pictures, I checked) (Examiner)

  o Tim Allen Divorce Nightmare - Booze, Drugs & Women (Star)

  o Oprah Splurges - $1 Million in Xmas Shopping Spree (Star)

  o Rosie's Baby's Secret - 'I've Got News...' (with moonpie-
    sized photo that's gonna haunt me) (Enquirer)

  o JFK Jr Betrayed By Cheating Wife - World Exclusive (Globe)

  o NASCAR Hunks' Intimate Secrets - Rev Up Your Engines, Gals

  o Free Pokemon Giveaway! - Win Charizard - Why It's The Card
    Every Kid Wants! (except me) (Examiner)

  o Sleepy Hollow Beauty Slashes & Burns Her Body - Christina's
    Hooked on Self-Mutilation (Star)

  o Di's Son and Princess Grace's Granddaughter - Match Made in
    Heaven... (Examiner)

  o Jealous Kathie Lee Attacks Regis! - She Hates His 'Million-
    aire Success' (well, who wouldn't?) (Globe)

  o Nostradamus and the Fatima Prophecies - Uncensored at Last!

      - Secrets the Vatican Never Wanted You to Know
      - Warnings of Deadly New Natural Disasters
      - Startling Revelations on Second Coming
        of Christ
      - Plus Much More! (Sun)

  o The Year 2000 - Are We on the Eve of Destruction?

      - Are We Just Days Away From Judgment Day?
      - Is Bizarre Winter Weather a Sign From God?
      - Has Satan Unleashed Frightening New Viruses on
      - Will 2nd Great Depression Bring American to its Knees?
        (Weekly World News, of course)

Copyright 1999 Michael J. Legeros


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