------------------------------------------------------------------ Living Hell - Volume #2, Issue #2 ------------------------------------------------------------------ February 3, 2002 ================ Contents ======== o John Ashcroft's Tit o Mike Tyson Funnies o Al Gore Beard John Ashcroft's Tit =================== The world of politics is a funny place. Presidents choke on pret- zels. President's daughters (and now nieces!) are arrested. And John Ashcroft's Justice Department is terrorized by a tit. No, not one belonging to Britney Spears. Nor either of Madonna's twos. In fact, 'taint even a *fleshy* mammary that's frightened these mam- mals. Rather, 'tis an aluminum boob that's bothering the Attorney General. As cheekily reported last week, the nation's top law-en- forcement agency purchased $15,770 worth of curtains to cover the Spirit of Justice and the Majesty of Law, two statues that've stood in the department's Great Hall since the Thirties. The problem? Well, while the latter merely depicts a lion-clothed man, the for- mer shows a woman wearing a toga, arms raised, and, gasp!, right breast exposed. And, as any self-respecting, ta-ta minded photog- rapher would do when covering the AG's appearances, they'd try (and succeed) at shooting "Jugs" Ashcroft with an enormous boobie above his head. Which I guess he doesn't appreciate. At the risk of negatively reinforcing such comically ripe taxpayer expenditures, allow me to present a handful of *lower-cost* alter- natives. It's a titillating problem, but I think I've got a grasp on it... o drop banner over offending boob, sell advertising space for milk products o enlist MIT students to build giant Wonder-Bra, cover with giant cashmere sweater o change building name from "Great Hall of Justice" to "Great Hall of Hooters" o fling mud at said tit, promote "Live Nude Wrestling Every Wednesday!" o replace with clothed statue, ship existing one to Dollywood o open gift shop, sell tee-shirts saying "I visited Washington and all I got were these lousy boobs" o rope off area, charge visitors five dollars to pose with giant guzzonga o leave as-is, announce formation of task force investigating Constitutionality of banning the word "abreast" o spend $25 at Radio Shack, win support of infant voters by adding electronic suckling sounds o just move the podium, stupid. Mike Tyson Funnies ================== Here's an oldie-but-goodie from 1997-- biting headlines as gathered by the Associated Press and first published on the USA Today site. God love a punster... o "A Bad Bite for Boxing" - The News & Observer of Raleigh o "Twice Bitten" - Times-Picayune of New Orleans o "Bite of the Century!" - Arizona Republic o "Bite Night" - Lexington (KY) Herald-Leader o "Tyson's Tasteless Tactics: Bite Night" - The Record of Hackensack (NJ) o "Reality Bites" - Times Union of Albany (NY) o "Did Tyson Bite Off More Than He Can Chew? Time Will Tell" - Salt Lake Tribune o "Tyson Subject of Biting Criticism" - The (Baltimore) Sun o "Biting Commentary" - The Boston Herald o "Tyson Bites the Dust, Holyfield" - Huntsville (AL) Times o "Holyfield May Take a Bite Out of Tyson" - The Indianapo- lis Star o "Holyfield Can't Stay Unbitten as Heavyweight" - Sun- Sentinel, Fort Lauderdale o "Earmarks of Cowardice" - Houston Chronicle o "Earmark of an Eerie Night" - The Atlanta Journal and the Atlanta Constitution o "A Two-Bit Bout: Holyfield Wins" - Kansas City Star o "From Champ to Chomp" - The Herald-Sun of Durham (NC) o "The Champ and the Chomp" - The Jersey Journal o "Holyfield Still Chomp-ion" - San Francisco Examiner o "Heavyweight Chomp" - Philadelphia Inquirer o "Undisputed Chomp" - USA TODAY o "World Chomp" - The Sun (London) o "Requiem for a Chompion" - Philadelphia Daily News o "Sucker Munch" - The Sun (London) o "Biting Back: Evander Has Public's Ear" - Daily News (NY) o "Toss Tyson Out on Ear" - Daily News (NY) o "Ear Flap" - Newsday o "Ears Have It! Evander Wins" - Montgomery (AL) Advertiser o "Tyson's Behavior Hard to Swallow" - Providence Journal- Bulletin o "Dracula" - New York Post o "Champ Chewing Over Legal Options" - New York Post o "It's Tyson's Nature to (Ch)eat" - New York Post o "For Tyson, Tooth Hurts" - New York Post o "Now Ear This: Rematch is Possible" - New York Post o "Lobe Blow for Boxing" - The Tennessean o "Iron Mike Goes Down Biting" - The Sunday Oklahoman o "Tyson Doesn't Gnaw What's Next" - The Daily Oklahoman o "Ear of Scorn" - Kansas City Star o "Pay Per Chew" - Philadelphia Daily News o "Holyfield Lends Ear as Tyson Self-Destructs" - Arkansas Democrat-Gazette o "Ear-Responsible" - Fort Worth Star-Telegram o "Tyson Scars Face of Boxing" - The Guardian (London) Al Gore Beard ============= Saw Fuzzy Face on television today, speaking to some group in a news clip. So who does Tipper's Better resemble *this* week? I saw a vintage GI Joe action figure. From the Seventies. You? Copyright 2002 by Michael J. 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