Action Figures

Hydra Slaying Hercules?  Battle Gear Bruce Wayne??  Ian Malcolm - 
Chaos Expert?!?  Yup, it's that time of year again, when blockbust-
ers beget blister-packs and the stores are alive with the sound of 
whining.  Over the weekend, I scanned the racks of a local discount 
house, trying to take in all that is accessorized about HERCULES, 
THE LOST WORLD, and BATMAN AND ROBIN.  No, I didn't spy anything  
quite as a daft as a Kevin Costner WATERWORLD doll.  Nor did I get 
a woody from a plastic Batgirl.  But, by the thirtieth or so super- 
hero, I'd seen enough trademarked toy names to make a Superlative 
Slinging Movie Critic's spring-loaded head spin.

For the wee ones, not yet testosterone poisoned, they're these from 
HERCULES:  Tribow Hercules, Hydra Slaying Hercules, Sword Fighting 
Hercules, Muscle Grow Hercules (available soon!), Fireball Shooting 
Hades (is there any other kind?), Lightning Bolt Zeus (an asterisk 
notes that the figure is "inspired" by the film, so I guess that 
the big guy doesn't throw the old bolts around in the movie), and, 
my favorite, Terrifying Hydra, which, regrettably, won't be avail-
able until "Fall, 1997." 

Kids who like their toys with a little more bite-- so they can re-
create the more graphic sequences of their favorite movies-- will 
undoubtedly enjoy THE LOST WORLD collection, which includes Eddie 
Carr - Master Mechanic, Ian Malcolm - Chaos Expert, Dieter Stark - 
Weapons Analyst, Nick Van Owen - Video Expert (also armed with a   
Paralyzing Spray Blaster), Eddie Carr with Dino-Snare Dirtbike, 
Pachycephalosaurus (code name "Ram Head"), Velociraptor, Electronic 
Chasmasaurus, Electronic Spinosaurus, Giant Pteranodon (also known 
by its dangerous code name "Steel Beak") and, not to be missed,  
Glider Pack with Ian Malcolm.  Funny, I must've missed the scene 
with Jeff Goldblum riding a rocket-launching hang-glider. 

The real kick-ass collection-- playthings that promise the greatest 
number of hours of gratuitous plastic-on-plastic violence-- is from 
BATMAN AND ROBIN.  Here's what $70 can buy:  Hover Attack Batman, 
Blast Wing Batman, Heat Scan Batman (with Opti Scope Launcher and 
Laser Ray Emitters), Battle Gear Bruce Wayne, Iceboard Robin, Night 
Hunter Robin (packaged with Evil Entrapment Poison Ivy, who doesn't 
look a thing like Uma Thurman), Razor Skate Robin, Glacier Battle 
Robin, and a modestly endowed Batgirl, with a nasty-looking Strike 
Scythe, for use against supervillians or when the Boy Wonder gets 
fresh. 

Of course, Batfans have it best.  In addition to the new movie, I 
counted *four* other Bat collections.  Included among the BATMAN 
FOREVER, LEGENDS OF BATMAN, LEGENDS OF THE DARK KNIGHT, and THE 
ADVENTURES OF BATMAN AND ROBIN series are Spline Cape Batman, As-
sault Gauntlet Batman, Neural Claw Batman (Neural Claw?), Silver 
Knight Batman, Flight Pack Batman, Desert Knight Batman, Dark War-
rior Batman, Power Guardian Batman, Buccaneer Batman (Holy Jolly 
Roger!), Ultra Armor Batman, Knightsend Batman, Viking Batman, Tur-
bo Surge Batman, Vector Wing Batman, Power Beacon Batman, Long Bow 
Batman (but does it outsell Kevin Costner's ROBIN HOOD doll?), Son-
ar Sensor Batman, Night Hunter Batman, Blast Cape Batman, Fireguard 
Batman, Attack Wing Batman, and, yes, Samurai Batman.  Obviously, 
the latter bearing no relation to the rejected skit from "Saturday 
Night Live."  Rest in peace Mr. Belushi. 

Copyright 1997 by Michael J. Legeros
Movie Hell is a trademark of Michael J. Legeros

Originally posted to triangle.movies