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MOVIE HELL: Reader Reports From Theater Hell
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MOVIE HELL
==========
Weekly Rants and Pants by Michael J. Legeros
"If you can't say something nice, at least have something to say."
- Introduction
- One More Circle of Hell
- Furious Round of Tonsil-Hockey
- Miserable Dung Heap
- Is This Any Way to Run a Cinema?
Introduction
============
As promised, folks, here are a handful of war stories from Theater
Hell, as reported by our readers. (And as ever-so-slightly edited
by me, for clarity and length.) If you have your *own* local woe
to relate, please submit to legeros@pagesz.net. I'll keep, com-
pile, and consider for future editions of Hell.
Enjoy...
One More Circle of Hell
=======================
[ From: Greg in... Durham? ]
> Actually, this is just a general comment. I pretty much live and
> die by going to Wynnsong, and, knock on wood, I've never had a
> bad experience. (Well, except the time I went to see SPY HARD,
> but that's another story) Great sound, focus fixed before the
> opening credits are over, etc. But, I went to TITANIC on opening
> day, and, I swear, there had to be a good (?) thirty minutes of
> commercials and trailers. Okay, drink Coke, know about two comet
> movies this summer, see C. Slater in WET BROKEN ARROW, yeah yeah,
> show the damn film.
>
> Personally, I wouldn't care if they showed trailers for the en-
> tire upcoming summer line-up, but, show it when people are filing
> in. When show time comes, play the commercials if you have to--
> to keep the sponsors happy-- then get moving. If it's a 4:00
> show, I should see stars encircling the Paramount mountain by
> 4:05, worst case.
>
> So, I'm kinda wondering, have you ever flagged the management for
> delay-of-game, or, is this just one more circle of Hell we have
> to live with?
[ For now, the latter... ]
Furious Match of Tonsil-Hockey
==============================
[ From: Justin in California ]
> Well, after settling into our seats to watch CHASING AMY (a
> second time for me), my date and I were alarmed to find two young
> lovers sucking each others' faces off in the seats in front of
> us.
>
> "I'm sure they'll stop once the movie starts," my date assured
> me. "I hope so," I replied. Well, they didn't. It was a packed
> theater, so we couldn't move, and it was hard to concentrate on
> the movie, with the slops and slurps coming from the seats in
> front of us.
>
> By the time Holden and Alyssa had met and hit it off, these two
> were still having a furious match of tonsil-hockey, and I was fed
> up. "Excuse me?" I tapped the man on his shoulder.
>
> "What?!" This dude was pissed at me.
>
> "Um, my lady-friend and I are trying to watch the movie. Would
> you mind, uh... putting a leash on your puppy?"
>
> "Hey-- f**k you!" Then they started *really* goin' to town, just
> to get a rise out of me. (I swear to God I literally thought he
> was going to swallow that girl.) "Go to a f*****g porno-house!"
> I near-shouted; the guy just gave me a deadly stare.
>
> "Hey, cheese-d**k!" I told him, "put it back in your pants or
> I'll tell the manager!"
>
> He got a real charge out of this line. His response: "Hey, bud-
> dy! I *am* the manager!"
[ Heh. ]
Miserable Dung Heap
===================
[ From: Peter in Chapel Hill ]
> My vote for the worst of the worst has to go to the Plaza in
> Chapel Hill-- a patently pathetic excuse for a movie theatre.
> My most recent and undoubtedly last visit to this miserable dung
> heap included lightly popcorned salt, out-of-focus projection
> with a fair amount of keystoning for the duration of the picture
> and, oh yeah... they forgot to turn off the lights during the
> film. Only after we complained did they bother to dim the lights
> to pre-film house level. At the end of the film, between the
> very last frame of footage and the first frame of credits, the
> film abruptly stopped and the lights came up. (Imagine ripping
> the stylus across a record on a turntable-- you get the picture.)
> Another moviegoer behind us promptly shouted "Movie's over, now
> get the hell out!" It's hard to fathom how a business can sur-
> vive putting out such a sh*t product. Of course, it doesn't
> speak well for the general public, either.
[ I hope you at least asked for a refund. ]
Is This Any Way to Run a Cinema?
================================
[ From: James at UNC ]
> A few weeks ago, we went to see FAMILY NAME at the Carolina Thea-
> ter in Durham. An exhaust fan rattled throughout, sometimes so
> loudly that it made it difficult to hear the film. After the
> movie, I asked to speak to the manager. A young man *finally*
> arrived and, after listening to me, he simply said "we'll look
> into that." No apology-- no offer of a pass or refund. I decid-
> ed not to press the issue.
>
> This past Saturday, we went back to see JACKIE BROWN which was
> showing in their "prestige" theater, Fletcher Hall. The acou-
> stics and sound were bad enough that the dialogue in the opening
> scenes was a little difficult to understand. However, our ears
> adjusted.
>
> Later, about ten minutes before the end of the movie, at a sus-
> penseful moment (Ordell holding a gun on Max), the movie stopped.
> Just stopped. Several people ran out to the lobby looking for
> help. We sat and waited. And waited. The lights came up in the
> theater and we still waited. People started walking in for the
> next show and we told them that we were still waiting for the
> previous show to end.
>
> Finally, the young man I met after FAMILY NAME came in to tell us
> that the projector bulb had blown and they were trying to find a
> replacement bulb. He left and we waited some more. He returned
> to explain that they had no replacement bulb and we would be able
> to get a free pass if we wanted one.
>
> Given my previous experience with him, I asked to speak to some-
> body in authority-- to his boss. I was taken to the "manager" of
> the theater. When I asked him if it was true that they were
> running a commercial movie theater and had no replacement bulb
> for the projector, he said "you have to understand that we're
> running on a shoestring budget." I empathized with his budgetary
> woes but suggested that a spare projector bulb *might* be consid-
> ered a necessity.
>
> He then explained that, actually, they have a replacement bulb
> but that replacing the bulb is a very dangerous operation and
> that the "operations manager" is the only one qualified to
> replace it. I asked where he was and I was told he was on vaca-
> tion and wouldn't be back until next week. When I expressed my
> surprise that they would try to run a theater with only one per-
> son qualified to change the bulb-- eventually, that person isn't
> going to be there. The young man, who was still standing by,
> said "I can run the projector but I'm not about to try changing
> the bulb. [Note: here comes my favorite line from this encount-
> er] And if you think I'm going to endanger myself just so you
> can watch some movie, you're crazy!"
>
> At this point, lyrics by Elvis Costello popped into my head-- "I
> used to be disgusted, but now I try to be amused." I turned to
> the manager, shook my head and said "Are you hearing what I'm
> hearing?" He then offered an apology qualified with some more
> talk about a shoestring budget. I suggested that his budget was
> going to get even smaller because (a) he wasn't going to be able
> to show a major new movie until the "operations manager" returned
> from vacation and (b) he wasn't going to get any more money from
> me and my party (and, I suspect, from several others in the
> theater who were equally incensed).
>
> Those of us who asked did receive a free pass-- so that we could
> come back to see the last ten minutes of the movie (after the
> bulb had been replaced, of course)-- and a refund to apologize
> for the entire incident.
>
> I ask you, is this any way to run a cinema?
[ Sigh. ]
Copyright 1998 Michael J. Legeros
Movie Hell is a trademark of Michael J. Legeros
Originally posted to triangle.movies