Filler

Car's in the shop, so didn't see any flicks over the weekend.
Instead, here are reviews of the new movie *listings*.  Bad
puns.  Naughty words.  Adolescent-style humor.  It's all here
and less.  First-run, second-run, *and* new releases.  Plus
letter grades, as indiscriminately assigned in the original
write-ups.  Enjoy and/or endure.  I'm just sorry if you mis-
sed Friday's ad for "America's #1 movie" (THE WATCHER) and its
accompanying graphic of two hands holding a strangulation cord.  
How pleasant...


  THE ADVENTURES OF ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE - Didn't Boris.  
  C minus.
  
  THE ART OF WAR - Wesley snipes.  Haven't seen.
  
  AUTUMN IN NEW YORK - Richard Gere, 51, woos Winona Ry-
  der, 29.  The nation's stomachs collectively turn.  
  Skipped.
  
  BACKSTAGE - Documentary exploring the many uses of "yo"
  in popular music.  C.
  
  BAIT - Jamie Foxx impersonates action hero.  Haven't 
  seen.
  
  BIG MOMMA'S HOUSE - The poster was funnier.  D.
  
  BLESS THIS CHILD - Cult thriller starring Kim Basing-
  er and Jimmy Smits.  Skipped.

  BLOOD SIMPLE - Directors cut of first film from mak-
  ers of RAISING ARIZONA, MILLER'S CROSSING, BARTON
  FINK, THE HUDSUCKER PROXY, FARGO, and THE BIG LEBOW-
  SKI.  B.

  BOSSA NOVA - Latin dance flick.  Not to be confused
  with French film about adventures of deep-voiced sing-
  er after joining opera company, BASSO NOUVEAU.  Skip-
  ped.
  
  BOYS AND GIRLS - Also the target audience.  Skipped.
  
  BRING IT ON - Cheerleading competitions make a half-
  decent dramatic-comedy?  Go right ahead and knock me 
  over with a pom-pom.  C plus.
  
  THE CELL - Yet Another Serial Killer Thriller (YASKT).
  Walked out.
  
  CENTER STAGE - Dance flick.  Skipped to my Lou.
  
  CHICKEN RUN - Fowl breadth.  No, wait!  Ticklish feath-
  ers.  No, wait!  Game hens score.  A.
  
  COYOYE UGLY - Chicks.  Bar.  Clothes stay on.  Mike 
  takes off.
  
  THE CREW - Are aging mobsters funny?  Depends.  Walk-
  ed out.
  
  CROUPIER - Casino not-so-royale.  C.
  
  DINOSAUR - Everyone dies.  B.
  
  DUETS - Karoke flick starring Gwyneth Paltrow.  Haven't 
  seen, so can't advise if she (a.) can sing or (b.) gets 
  nekkid.
  
  THE EYES OF TAMMY FAYE - You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll 
  ruin your mascara.  B plus.
  
  FINAL DESTINATION - Everyone dies.  C plus.
  
  THE FIVE SENSES - Canadian art film about five people 
  searching for a missing girl.  Metaphors ensue.  Have-
  n't seen.
  
  FREQUENCY - Worth tuning into.  A minus.
  
  GLADIATOR - My attention was Roman.  C minus.
  
  GOD'S ARMY - Mormon assumes missionary position and ex-
  periences discomfort.  Haven't seen.
  
  GONE IN 60 SECONDS - Riddle me this, Batman:  when is 
  an action movie not an action movie?  D.
  
  HIGH FIDELITY - John Cusack wears long face for umpte-
  enth time.  B minus.
  
  HIGHLANDER: ENDGAME - There can be only one, unless you 
  have a sequel deal.  Skipped.
  
  HOLLOW MAN - Millions spent to computer-animate Kevin
  Bacon's schlong.  C plus.
  
  LOVE AND BASKETBALL - Drama about courting and playing
  with balls.  Skipped.
  
  MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 2 - Tom Cruise impersonates stunt 
  person.  No one believes him.  C.
  
  NURSE BETTY - Advanced technology animates Renee Zell-
  weger's long-paralyzed facial features.  Critics and 
  industry insiders stunned.  A minus.
  
  THE NUTTY PROFESSOR II - Audience swallows bitter pill; 
  huge disappointment results.  C.

  THE ORIGINAL KINGS OF COMEDY - Documentary about mum-
  bling comedians.  May have to see again.  B.
  
  THE PATRIOT - Mel Gibson remakes BRAVEHEART in differ-
  ent century.  C plus.

  THE PERFECT STORM - It blew.  C.

  POKEMON 2000 - See THOMAS AND THE MAGIC RAILROAD.

  THE REPLACEMENTS - Football comedy.  Didn't reach goal.  
  C.

  RETURN TO ME - David Ducovney-starring suck-fest.  D 
  plus.

  ROAD TRIP - Tom Green co-starring suck-fest.  C minus.

  SAVING GRACE - High comedy with Brenda Blethyn.  Have-
  n't taken a toke.

  SCARY MOVIE - Lame SCREAM spoof.  C plus.

  SHANGHAI NOON -Lame Jackie Chan western.  C.

  SHOWER - Chinese film about bathing.  Haven't taken a 
  dip.

  SPACE COWBOYS - NASA packs prune juice instead of Tang. 
  C plus.

  THE TAO OF STEVE - Are you a Stu?  B minus.

  THOMAS AND THE MAGIC RAILROAD - See POKEMON 2000.

  TITAN AE - Animated treatment for insomniacs.  Walked 
  out.

  TOY STORY 2 - This is still playing?  Father...  B plus

  TURN IT UP - Non-documentary exploring the many uses of 
  "yo" in popular music.  Skipped.

  U-571 - Substandard.  C plus.

  THE WATCHER - YASKT, this time with Keanu.  Skipped.

  THE WAY OF THE GUN - Crappy crime drama.  Walked out.

  WHAT LIES BENEATH - Crappy ghost story.  Should've 
  walked out.  C minus.

  X-MEN - At least the geeks approved.  B plus.

  WHIPPED - ...curdled.  W/O.


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