Month of Suck

 
W/O was the word for Rocktober, with Yours Increasingly Intolerant 
voting with his butt on an unprecedented *seven* feature films:  
BEST IN SHOW, THE LEGEND OF THE DRUNKEN MASTER, GET CARTER, GRASS, 
LUCKY NUMBERS, PAY IT FORWARD, and Robert Altman's speculum-tacu-
lar (top that, George W!) sleep-inducer DR. T AND THE WOMEN.  All 
were either duds-on-arrival or just a little too lame-o to regis-
ter on the Let's Keep Watching-o-meter.  Additionally, or if you 
prefer subtraction-ally, another thirteen Pumpkin Season releases 
were skipped altogether.  Reasons ranged from poor reviews (THE 
LADIES MAN) to utter, absolute, and couldn't-pay-me-to-be-inter-
ested disinterest (BLAIR WITCH 2).  (The rest included BEAUTIFUL, 
BEDAZZLED, and THE YARDS.)  Never one, though, to cheat readers 
unless I feel like it, here are select blurbs from other critics 
who actually *endured* the aforementioned frights.  Excerpts are 
from reviews indexed at www.mrqe.com, the Movie Review Query En-
gine.  All reviewers appear to have stayed for their entire films.  
And, in keeping with the spirit of presumed suckage, *negative* 
comments have been presented where possible:


  o AIMEE & JAGUAR 
    "So artful, so realistic and so intense.  But I was so busy
     trying to figure out what the hell was going on that there
     was just no way I was going to enjoy it" - Rob Blackwelder, 
     Spliced

  o ALICE ET MARTIN
    "...a lugubrious, laborious soap opera" - James Verniere,
     Boston Herald 

  o AN AFFAIR OF LOVE 
    "Ranks amongst the year's most thoughtful and perceptive
     dramas" - James Berardinelli, ReelViews

  o BEAUTIFUL
    "A movie with so many inconsistencies, improbabilities, un-
     answered questions and unfinished characters that we have
     to suspend not only disbelief but also intelligence" - Rog-
     er Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times

  o BEDAZZLED
    "There's no real dazzle in BEDAZZLED, though you may be be-
     fuddled trying to figure out why anyone was compelled to
     make the effort" - Mike Clark, USA Today  

  o BEST IN SHOW (W/O)
    "Everything about [it] seems funny except for the actual
     movie" - Betsy Pickle, Knoxville News-Sentinel

  o BOOK OF SHADOWS: BLAIR WITCH 2
    "Is [it] the best comedy of the year?  Or the worst horror
     film of the decade?"  Marc Savlov, Austin Chronicle 

  o DIGIMON: THE MOVIE 
    "The animation is  mind-numbingly flashy, but count on
     even the tiniest of tykes to be bored with this one" -
     E! Online

  o DR. T AND THE WOMEN (W/O)
    "Solid, but in the end about as enjoyable as what I ima-
     gine it must be like to get a pap smear" - Jay Teirney, 
     Moovees.com

  o THE LEGEND OF THE DRUNKEN MASTER (W/O)
    "The humor, writing and overall tone are as wildly uneven
     as ever" - Mark Caro  Chicago Tribute

  o GET CARTER (W/O)
    "[Sylvester] Stallone's face and neck are starting to look
     like the back of an elderly woman's leg.  While this gros-
     sed me out, during periods of boredom I could combine ac-
     tivities: look at my watch *and* figure out Stallone's
     heart rate" - Mr Cranky 

  o GIRL ON THE BRIDGE 
    "Like only Woody Allen among contemporary film makers, 
     France's Patrice Leconte reminds you how eye-poppingly,
     jaw-droppingly thrilling it is to watch a movie in shim-
     mering black-and-white."  Susan Stark, Detroit News

  o GRASS (W/O)
    "Sketchy and only sporadically entertaining" - Jeff Vice, 
     Deseret News

  o THE LADIES MAN
    "This weekend you can change the future of movie comedy. 
     Here's how:  Don't go see [this one].  The day that 'Sa-
     turday Night Live" producer Lorne Michaels stops produc-
     ing unfunny feature films based on characters from 'SNL'
     comedy skits will be the day that people stop going to
     see those films.  It's that simple.  So, in the name of
     Laurel and Hardy, please don't go.  This is not arbitrary 
     advocacy.  This is a cry for help from a movie reviewer 
     who just can't stomach another one of these half-baked 
     turkeys" - Robert W. Butler, The Kansas City Star

  o THE LITTLE VAMPIRE 
    "Mildly entertaining but dramatically messy kidpic" - Der-
     ek Elley, Variety

  o LOST SOULS 
    "An almost total waste of time" - Gemma Files, Film.com

  o LUCKY NUMBERS (W/O)
    "Suddenly BATTLEFIELD EARTH doesn't look so bad."  Marc Sav-
     lov, Austin Chronicle

  o PAY IT FORWARD  (W/O)
    "Leaves you feeling more used than a port-a-potty at a rock 
     concert" - Tor Thorsen, Reel.com

  o THE YARDS 
    "One of those movies that looks good on talk shows.  Viewed 
     there in selected short clips, the picture suggests a cer-
     tain heft as a serious, potential Oscar contender concerned 
     with issues of family, loyalty and corruption.  And every
     so often, [it] is that movie.  Alas, not often enough" - 
     Eleanor Ringel Gillespie, Cox News Service


Copyright 2000 by Michael J. Legeros
Movie Hell is a trademark of Michael J. Legeros

Originally posted to triangle.movies as MOVIE HELL: Month of Suck