Coyote Ugly (2000)

 
COYOTE UGLY, an early candidate for Decade's Worst, is the second 
film of the summer produced by Jerry Bruckheimer, after the Nick 
Cage suck-fest GONE IN 60 SECONDS.  David McNally (who?) directs 
this drama-lite about a small-town waitress and aspiring songwrit-
er (Piper Perabo) who tries to "make it" in the big city.  (Pre-
sumably, if she can make it there, she's gonna make it anywhere.)
Instead, Little Ms. Innocent ends up "dirty bartending" at a rau-
cous juke-joint where both the female owner and her bimbo staff 
all appear to have seen COCKTAIL one too many times.  (Well, that 
and SHOWGIRLS.)  There are howlers to spare in this one, from the 
rockin'...  Def Leppard soundtrack (what has nine arms and sucks?) 
to Perabo's adorably limited range.  (Physically, she's an appeal-
ling presence:  bouncy, long-locked blonde hair, a small, small-
breasted and unassumingly sexy body, and miniature versions of 
both Brooke Shields' eyebrows and Julia Roberts' smile.)  Early 
scenes are the dullest--  girl say goodbye to dad (John Goodman), 
girl gets settled in ratty apartment, etc.  Hang tight.  Once las-
sie gets herself hired, all hilarity breaks loose.  Megaphones are 
wielded.  (Male) ponytails get snipped.  The Fire Marshal gets a 
face-full of seltzer water.  And not a *single* boobie (or better) 
is bared!  (I observed the most rapid decay of brain cells during 
a "bachelor auction" when sweetie saves the day by offering her 
boyfriend-to-be to the dozens of *women* that have suddenly cram-
med the previously all male-attended establishment.)  Around the 
hour mark, my companion pulled the emergency cord.  Thank God.  I 
was ready to leave in *half* that time...  Next up:  Yours Truly 
starts walking out of *trailers*.  I mean, why even bother buying 
a ticket?  (Rated "PG-13"/97 min.)

Grade: W/O

Copyright 2000 by Michael J. Legeros
Movie Hell is a trademark of Michael J. Legeros

Originally posted to triangle.movies as MOVIE HELL: The Answer is No, I Got a Better Place to Go