Dracula 2000 (2000)

 
DRACULA 2000, Blah! Blah!, is a slick, quick, and unabashedly enter-
taining update, er, continuation of Bram Stoker's classic.  Van Hel-
sing is still around, living in London, and the lone guardian of He 
Who Cannot Be Killed: The Corpse.  And he's about to be robbed, his 
high-tech vault the target of treasure-seeking thieves.  Christopher 
Plummer plays the Van Man with Jonny Lee Miller as his soon-to-be-
gun-toting assistant.  Omar Epps leads the thieves who, instead of 
gems, gold, or a genie in a bottle, find a coffin.  A polished sil-
ver and seemingly sealed coffin.  Blood gets spilled, Drac awakes, 
and on the other side of the world, in New Orleans, a British-sound-
ing college student (and seeming virgin) is having nightmares of a 
certain Count Chocoula.  Blah!  Blah!  And, before long, everyone is 
chasing everyone else...  Wes Craven's name is attached to this one, 
but don't expect super-high quality.  Or even high-high.  The plot's 
often a joke, the dialogue's frequently howl-worthy, and the visuals 
lurch along like a stumbling, lumbering mummy.  (Vet editor-turned-
director Patrick Lussier cross-cuts *way* too often.)  Still, those 
flaws (and others) aside, there's grand, campy fun to be had here.
Like Van Helsing's automatic-firing "stake rifle."  Or Drac's wide-
eyed reaction to the flesh on display in the French Quarter.  Or a 
none-to-bright henchman whose incessant curiosity about a coffin's 
contents lands him... a leech in the eye.  Yee-ouch!  Enjoyable ef-
fects, too, like the many, MATRIX-style aerial flips and one whopper 
of a gravity-defying sex scene that climaxes (ha!) on a ceiling.  So 
just sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride, be it for thrills, campy 
chills, or endless picking at the plot.  (I like the ensemble's in-
stant familiarity with firearms and concealed daggers, myself...)  
Hell, this one even traces Drac's lineage all the way back to the 
days of Christ!  Top *that* for an eleventh-hour revelation!  And 
don't forget those severed heads!  Or the end credits, which list 
that rare combination of roles for a "Jesus" and a "Black Angel of 
Death."  With Justine Waddell, Gerard Butler, Colleen Fitzpatrick, 
Jennifer Esposito, Danny Masterson, Jeri Ryan, and Sean Patrick 
Thomas, and with each of the aforementioned females appearing at 
least *once* while wearing a top two sizes two small.  Blah!  Blah! 
(Rated "R"/107 min.)

Grade: C+

Copyright 2000 by Michael J. Legeros
Movie Hell is a trademark of Michael J. Legeros