Get Carter (2000)

 
GET CARTER is the new Sylvester Stallone movie.  Er, make that the 
*only* Sylvester Stallone movie, as Rocky J. Rambo ain't exactly 
been prolific lo these last few years.  (Filmography since 1995:  
DAYLIGHT, COP LAND, AN ALAN SMITHEE FILM, THE GOOD LIFE, and ANTZ.)  
In this flat, thrill-less thriller, ol' Guttural Mouth plays an ag-
ing tough guy whose searching Seattle for his little brother's kil-
ler.  He's a sharp-dressed stud, with a thin, goatee-style beard be-
neath baggy, empty-looking eyes.  Sly actually doesn't look half-bad 
here, despite a puffiness in his face that seems to change from shot 
to shot.  Too bad he wears that same, silly, trapezoid-shaped sneer 
in every scene, as if still wincing from a weeks-past hernia opera-
tion.  [ Cue "Weird" Al as James Brown.  Waugh! ]  Don't worry about 
*listening* to the master orator, either; a crappy sound recording 
muffles what few words he doesn't.  (Not that the assorted glares, 
stares, and thrown punches require much narration, mind you.)  And, 
as if an older Italian Stallion doesn't rate high enough on the Che-
ese-o-Meter, the supporting cast includes both Mickey Rourke *and* 
Michael Caine.  (The latter starred in the title role of the 1971 
original.)  Calm down, they suck.  There ain't a memorable moment 
between 'em, at least for the first 50 minutes of the movie, which is
exactly how long of a chance I gave my ass molecules to get excited.
They didn't and I got my money back.  With Miranda Richardson, Rach-
ael Leigh Cook, Gretchen Moll, John C. McGinley, and Alan Cumming in 
a felt cowboy hat as an American software gazillionaire.  At least 
he looks like he's having fun.  Stephen T. Kay directs and he has a 
whole bag of tricks with him.  Like jump cuts and exaggerated close-
ups and intentionally darkened daylight scenes.  You know, all that 
arty shit.  Now, if someone can just teach him how to properly film 
a car chase...  (Rated "R"/102 min.)

Grade: W/O

Copyright 2000 by Michael J. Legeros
Movie Hell is a trademark of Michael J. Legeros

Originally posted to triangle.movies as MOVIE HELL: And Then Give Him Back