3000 Miles to Graceland (2001)

 
3000 MILES TO GRACELAND, while possessing both the best movie title 
of recent years *and* the can't-believe-it casting of Kurt Russell 
and Kevin Costner as rival, casino-robbing Elvis impersonators, is 
strictly DOAOT.  (Dead on arrival on toilet.)  Loud, ugly, and de-
void any detectible intelligence, this super-dull, Vegas-set thril-
ler appears to exist for the sole purpose of envisioning the (later 
years) King as a John Woo-style villain, with shiny silver pistoles 
in hand, his studded cape spinning in slow-mo as he blows scores of 
people away.  (And which is exactly what happens about a half-hour 
in, when Russell, Costner, and three other "burned ones" open fire 
at a convention of Elvis impersonators.)  Director Demian Lichten-
stein (LOWBALL) is all bloody flash and violent splash, with wall-
to-wall jump cuts and an inexplicable amount of time-lapse photogra-
phy.  (Most of it involving driving-- day, night, desert, "strip," 
etc.)  The dialogue's a bad barbiturate, the action more blurred 
than a pair of steamed-over sunglasses, and the explosion of Aaron  
refs, when the characters first arrive, is appealing for all of five 
minutes.  Nope, can't why imagine why anyone would *willingly* watch 
this mess.  Well, unless they didn't chase the admittedly tantaliz-
ing trailer with at least *one* reality checking review.  Of course, 
there *is* that super-strange title sequence, an animated "robo bat-
tle," set to heavy rock and featuring a pair of stylish (if vicious-
looking) mechanical scorpions moving in slow, MATRIX-style motion.  
(What, someone's music video had leftover footage?)  Or, for those 
*really* hurting, a touching David Arquette/Courtney Cox double-ap-
preciation around the twenty-minute mark.  He farts and she shows 
her (clothed) ass in close-up.  Now that's class.  With Howie Long, 
Christian Slater, Jon Lovitz, Kevin Pollak, and Ice-T.  Didn't see 
those last three, though, 'cause we were gone within five-zero min-
utes.  With refund in hand.  (Rated "R"/126 min.)

Grade: F (extrapolated)
 
Copyright 2001 by Michael J. Legeros
Movie Hell is a trademark of Michael J. Legeros

Originally posted to triangle.movies as MOVIE HELL: Dead Elvis