Exit Wounds (2001)

 
EXIT WOUNDS, the newest Steven Seagal suck-fest, er, actioner slash 
surprise comedy, opens with a bonafide bang-- a big, wet, sloppily 
edited Vice Presidential assassination attempt, with the Veep's mo-
torcade taking fire from both a helicopter (orange, bearing a happy 
face) and phony motorcycle cops (with machine guns).  Explosions en-
sue, with Seagal saving the day, of course, looking slimmer, sans po-
nytail, and wearing near-normal clothes.  (His *expression*, however, 
is still one of a painfully constipation person.)  He's a Detroit cop 
whose peculiar talent of pissing people off-- particular his superi-
ors-- finds him transferred at the start of the story to a tough, in-
ner-city precinct.  There, he'll start uncovering corruption, but not 
before enduring a demotion or two, the funniest of which plays James 
Brown's "I'll Feel Good" while Ol' Squinty Eyes... directs traffic.  
Hilarious.  Early scenes also feature character actors Bruce McGill 
and Bill Duke and whose appearances excitedly suggest that *other* 
real actors might appear.  (They do, but only a few:  Isiah Washing-
ton, the rapper DMX, and... Tom Arnold as a "rage-aholic" talk-show.)  

Seagal, who hasn't made a memorable movie since, oh, his supporting 
turn in EXECUTIVE DECISION, is his usual, too-serious self.  (Expect-
edly, the other actors are *far* peppier.)  The movie *itself* is a 
mess-- the (straight-played) dialogue's nothing special, the plot's 
largely old hat (save for one, Internet-themed surprise), and the ac-
tion's barely exciting.  (In particular, the hand-to-hand sequences 
are a blur.)  The lone exception is a surprising amount of (poorly 
blended) humor.  We're talkin' one-liners ("Say hello to my sumo Ne-
gro"), physical comedy (Seagal meets school desk), and self-referen-
tial asides.  Heck, there's even a "spit gag!"  Howl-able, at least 
once or twice.  The rest is a long sit.  Though, I must say, the ab-
surd, gratuitous violence is sure fun to tally!  My faves:  detailed 
depictions of motor-vehicles deaths, flipped van versus speeding gar-
bage truck, and a matched pair of... impalings.  Oh, and stay for the 
closing credits, featuring a deadpan conversation between Arnold and 
ME, MYSELF, AND IRENE laugh-getter Michael Jai-White.  They discuss  
large women, sensitive nipples, masturbation, Viagra, stains of a 
certain sort, and the very important matter of "Big Oprah" versus 
"Small Oprah."  For discriminating Seagal fans only.  I know, oxymo-
ron...  (Rated "R"/103 minutes)

Grade: D+

Copyright 2001 by Michael J. Legeros
Movie Hell is a trademark of Michael J. Legeros