The Summer That Quality Forgot

Another summer stretch ended.  Another laborious, post-Labor Day
round-up.  What else is new, eh?  Well, S2K certainly wasn't the
*worst* air-conditioned cinema season on record.  No, that honor
belongs somewhere back in the Nineties.  What these last four mo-
vie-going months *were*, however, were lame.  Way, way lame.  Who-
da thunk that Ridley Scott, John Woo, Wolfgang Petersen, Robert
Zemeckis, and the Smutmaster (Paul Verhoven) could make such a co-
llectively bland batch of popcorn movies?  Or, for that incompre-
hensible matter, that a NUTTY PROFESSOR sequel would *waste* the
talents of Eddie Murphy?  Or even that a re-teaming of Jim Carrey
and the Brothers Farrelly would be so stunningly under-funny?
Curiously, Disney's edge-free family films DINOSAURS and THE KID
were more durable (in their own ways) than the bulk of the compe-
tion.  Even the summer break's better efforts, such as CHICKEN RUN
and Bryan Singer's X-MEN, were distressingly nit pick-able.  (Not
that their flaws stopped this critic from catching them a combined
*five* times...)  Art-house offerings hoed and hummed equally well,
with the late-August release of THE EYES OF TAMMY FAYE the best of
that particular bunch.  Didn't catch as many indies as budget-bust-
ers, though.  In fact, I missed a fair number of films overall.

Skipped were THE ART OF WAR, AUTUMN IN NEW YORK (or as my mom calls
it, BOREDOM IN NEW YORK), BLESS THE CHILD, BOYS AND GIRLS, BUT I'M
A CHEERLEADER!, Sir John Waters' CECIL B. DEMENTED, CENTER STAGE, I
DREAMED OF AFRICA, LOSER, LOVE'S LABOUR'S LOST, MAD ABOUT MAMBO,
POKEMON: THE MOVIE 2000, SAVING GRACE, SUNSHINE, THOMAS AND THE MA-
GIC RAILROAD (with Alec Baldwin as Mr. Conductor!), and UP AT THE
VILLA.  Some just because.  Others due to a scheduling conflict,
when Yours Traveling spent a week in Seattle and two more on the
road, driving back to Raleigh.  (4000 miles in 11 days.  Read all
about it at http://www.legeros.com/bt)  *Next* summer at least has
some potentially tantalizing titles:  ALI, ASTRO BOY, BLAIR WITCH:
THE SEQUEL (for laugh-at-it value), DIE HARD 4, DOC SAVAGE, THE IN-
CREDIBLE SHRINKING MAN (with Eddie, no?), JOHN CARPENTER'S GHOSTS
OF MARS, JOHNNY NEUTRON: BOY GENIUS, JOSIE AND THE PUSSYCATS, JUR-
ASSIC PARK 3, an OCEAN'S 11 remake, SEA WOLF, THE SUM OF ALL FEARS,
THE QUEEN OF THE DAMNED, and, hopefully, Arnie, Arnold, Curtis, and
Mr. Cameron in TRUE LIES 2.  Maybe they can stir enough excitement
to expedite the forgetting process.  And judging by the limp-wrist-
ed, rest-of-this-year line-up (GRINCH excepted) we'll probably be
invoking these titles again soon...

The obligatory superlatives:

Best
  CHICKEN RUN

Worst
  BATTLEFIELD EARTH

Weirdest
  THE EYES OF TAMMY FAYE

Wildest
  THE EYES OF TAMMY FAYE

Most Boring
  THE PERFECT STORM / GONE IN SIXTY SECONDS (tie)

Most Stupid
  SCARY MOVIE

Most Hollow
  HOLLOW MAN (duh)

Most Johnny Rotten
  THE FILTH AND THE FURY

Best Prequel to an As of Yet Unfilmed Sequel
  X-MEN

Most Culturally Diverse Double-Feature
  THE PATRIOT / THE ORIGINAL KINGS OF COMEDY

Biggest Drag
  BIG MOMMA'S HOUSE

Fullest Moon
  SPACE COWBOYS, showing four times the crack.  Somebody hand me
  my shades!

The Walk-Outs
  THE BIG KAHUNA, THE CELL, COYOTE UGLY, THE CREW, GODZILLA 2000,
  HAMLET, JOE GOULD'S SECRET, TIME CODE, TITAN AE, 28 DAYS, and
  WHIPPED.  Woof!

Copyright 2000 by Michael J. Legeros
Movie Hell is a trademark of Michael J. Legeros