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                     Movie Hell - The Year in Review

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Contents
========

  o The Year in Review
  o Best 'n' Worst
  o Memories
  o MIA


The Year in Review
==================

Wow, what a crappy year at the movies!  Could the first films of the
"new millennium" have been collectively any lamer?  Forget the summer
bloaters, the arty floaters, and anything starring Helen Hunt, I say
every single thing wrong with Hollywood can be summed up in one word:
GRINCH.  Who would've imagined--  Ha!  Pun!-- that Ron Howard, Rick
Baker, Jim Carrey, Tony Hopkins, Universal Studios, a gazillion dol-
lars-- not to mention the good doctor's consenting estate and a coup-
le year's production time-- could turn Theodore Geisel's beloved kid-
die book (and Chuck Jones' equally adored cartoon version) into an
overlong, overdone, over-everything (and non-musical, for Christmas-
sake!), live-action adaptation that, well, wasn't any fun to watch?

The Four Houseman as one, lone, fuzzy green guy with a dog.  Is that
it?  Do we throw up our hands, turn in our Movie Club cards, and take
up other hobbies??  Think about it-- if source material *that* rich
can be blown all to Hell, then what can we possibly expect from risk-
ier and less-established fare???  Maybe this Grinch Factor (GF) helps
explain why even some of the year's *better* releases still kinda,
sorta sucked.  Like the persistent clunky-ness of THE X-MEN.  Or the
laughs that should've been louder in MEET THE PARENTS.  Or even that
last, missing bit of magic from CHICKEN RUN.  (The most recent of di-
rector Nick Park's "Wallace and Gromit" shorts have "it."  What fowl-
ed the feature?)

Not that the year was without its outright botches.  Most, though,
were more dull than dreadful--  John Woo without wow with MISSION A-
GAIN, George Clooney battling bad effects in THE PERFECT BORE, Eddie
Murphy inexplicably wasted in NUTTY 2, etc.  Same, too, for those
so called "award winners."  Imported from various, prestigious film
festivals-- yawn-- the year's artsy farters blew precious little air
up *this* critic's skirt.  (Hell, the self-serious *blurbs* were more
entertaining than the advertised films!)  We (meaning me) were less-
than-entirely-amused by CROUPIER, DANCER IN THE DARK, THE TAO OF
STEVE, and others.  (Methinks, though, that the perfect soundtrack to
Hell is Bjork's atonal wailing from DANCER.  Imagine an eternity lis-
tening to *that*!)

If it sounds like suffering, Dear Reader, 'twasn't *too* terribly bad.
For the really, *really* boring ones, I simply... walked out.  Same,
too, for the dogs.  All told, thirty-two instances of leaving early,
split pretty evenly between "C"-range "yawners" (CHOCOLAT, BAGGER
VANCE, etc.) and "D"-range "howlers" (THE CREW, COYOTE UGLY, etc.).
And, when I asked, I usually was given my money back.  Nor was I ne-
cessarily scrambling to see *everything*.  Unlike in previous, more-
obsessive years, I didn't mind passing on the more poorly reviewed
fare.  (Thus one reason why this year's "numbers" are so much lower
than last year's.)

Let's see... we also endured one, long, lousy Academy Award ceremony.
Again.  Thank God Steve Martin is hosting the next one.  [ Insert
sound clip of cheering ]  December was a near-rescue with a couple
consecutive weekends of films that were actually *good*.  Of course,
December movies mean crowds-- big, loud, noisy, smelly, distracting,
space-invading, arm rest-hogging crowds that, this year, were bigger
than ever, due, at least in part, to the closing of several Triangle
theaters earlier in the year.  Oy, indeed, but with a surprise, sil-
ver lining.  Bill Peebles, of Ambassador Entertainment, bought Ral-
eigh's already closed Mission Valley, then shut the doors on his own,
odious (or at least odiferous) Studio I and II, and finally reopened
MV as a half-art, half-mainstream theater.  Bravo!  And thanks, Bill,
for finally turning the Capitol City into a stinky art theater-free
zone.

Also on the aisle front, stadium seating remained the rage.  Sure,
the sloped screens offer far fewer seats at Desired Viewing Angle
(DVA), but it ain't much of a problem, provided you arrive early.
And are not confined to a wheelchair.  Grumble.  Projection quality
seemed better than ever, too.  Now if we could just get some padding
for those ever-thin walls.  And do something about the occasionally
late start times.  And, as I've long-wished, ditch those terrible
Trailer Reels From Hell.  You know, the ones that play a couple com-
mercials *and* three or four previews you've already seen *and* at
least two of which are already annoying *and* at least one of which
gives away the film's ending?   (My current coping strategy:  cover
eyes, plug ears, and hum.  Or arrive *right* before the feature it-
self starts.)

Last but not least, this was the year that Yours Compulsive posted
his 1000th review on the Internet.  (And later reminisced about same
at http://www.moviehell.com/comments/1000.html.) Don't know if I'll
make it to two grand.  Or even 1500.  Not if this crap-crop contin-
ues.  Or, worse, someone green-lights GRINCH 2: THE WHOO STRIKE BACK.
Until then, here's hoping HANNIBAL rocks.  Or at least doesn't suck.
See you at the movies...


Best 'n' Worst
==============

Top 10
------

  o ALMOST FAMOUS
  o CHICKEN RUN
  o ERIN BROCKOVICH
  o THE EYES OF TAMMY FAYE
  o FREQUENCY
  o GIRLFIGHT
  o NURSE BETTY
  o REQUIEM FOR A DREAM
  o TRAFFIC
  o YOU CAN COUNT ON ME


Bottom 10
---------

 o BAMBOOZLED
 o BATTLEFIELD EARTH
 o BIG MOMMA'S HOUSE
 o BLACK AND WHITE
 o EYE OF THE BEHOLDER
 o GONE IN 60 SECONDS
 o RETURN TO ME
 o SCREAM 3
 o SCREWED
 o WOMAN ON TOP


Memories
========

  o Leo goes topless - THE BEACH
  o Ashley gets nekkid - EYE OF THE BEHOLDER
  o Ben Kingsley orders a penis - WHAT PLANET ARE YOU FROM?
  o Woody Allen goes out with a woman his own age - SMALL TIME CROOKS

  o Kate Hudson glows - ALMOST FAMOUS
  o Donal Logue gets laid - THE TAO OF STEVE
  o Vince McMahon climbs into the ring - BEYOND THE MAT
  o Billy Crystal keeps trying, bless his heart - Oscar Night

  o "Boo!" - THE NINTH GATE
  o "Poopies" - 102 DALMATIANS
  o "It's a visual, Honey" - SMALL TIME CROOKS
  o "But boy were people balling in the theater! - Letter to Hell

  o Bill Murray's Bosley - CHARLIE'S ANGELS
  o Alan Cumming's Great Gazoo - VIVA ROCK VEGAS
  o Helen Hunt's Death Warmed Over - PAY IT FORWARD
  o Mike Tyson's very, very big words - BLACK AND WHITE

    Accessories!

  o Julia + cleavage - ERIN BROCKOVICH
  o Angelina + dreadlocks - GONE IN 60 SECONDS
  o Vinny Barbarino + dreadlocks - BATTLEFIELD EARTH
  o Toni Collette naked and sporting a shaved head - 8 1/2 WOMEN

  o "I love you.  Whap!" - GIRLFIGHT
  o "Summabitch" - THE ORIGINAL KINGS OF COMEDY
  o "Everyone has to have a hobby" - STATE AND MAIN
  o "I would've stayed to watch!" - Letter to Letter to Hell

  o Eastwood, Sutherland, Jones, Garner - SPACE COWBOYS
  o Dreyfuss, Reynolds, Hedaya, Cassel - THE CREW
  o Oldman, Allen, Bridges - THE CONTENDER
  o The Boys - ME, MYSELF, AND IRENE

    Wicked Casting!

  o Harvey Keitel as Satan - LITTLE NICKY
  o Elizabeth Hurley as the Devil - BEDAZZLED
  o Rodney Dangerfield as Satan's dad - LITTLE NICKY
  o Robert DeNiro as Fearless Leader - THE ADVENTURES OF ROCKY
    AND BULLWINKLE

  o "Chute!"
  o "Gnomes now?"
  o "I don't like gravy!"
  o "Wanna dance?" "Yeah, alright" - CHICKEN RUN

  o Peter Stormare sings - DANCER IN THE DARK
  o Michelle Pfieffer bathes - WHAT LIES BENEATH
  o Richard Gere wields a speculum - DR. T AND THE WOMEN
  o Eddie Murphy has sex with himself - THE NUTTY PROFESSOR 2

  o Morgan Freeman asks for an example - NURSE BETTY
  o Sock puppets read title cards - THE EYES OF TAMMY FAYE
  o Cyndi Lauper dates Christopher Walken - THE OPPORTUNISTS
  o Roland Emmerich remakes BRAVEHEART - THE PATRIOT

    Celebrity Impersonations!

  o Hugh Jackman as Clint Eastwood - X-MEN
  o John Travolta as Jerry Lewis - LUCKY NUMBERS
  o Christian Bale as Jim Carrey (voice only) - AMERICAN PSYCHO
  o Nicholas Cage as someone whose never heard of Frank Capra -
    FAMILY MAN

  o "Dude"
  o "Sweet"
  o "Dude"
  o "Sweet" - DUDE, WHERE'S MY CAR?

  o Cargo jet - CAST AWAY
  o Passenger jet - FINAL DESTINATION
  o Planes, trains, and automobiles - UNBREAKABLE
  o Chain gang, double dong, electroshock, amputate - REQUIEM
    FOR A DREAM

  o English spoken in tongues - GLADIATOR
  o Rap music spoken in tongues - BACKSTAGE
  o The Last Temptation of Judas - DRACULA 2000
  o Hose.  Heavy Nozzle.  Thwack! - ROMEO MUST DIE

  o "It's for girls" - BILLY ELLIOT
  o "Don't take drugs!" - ALMOST FAMOUS
  o "I love to see a fat man score!" - THE REPLACEMENTS
  o "Hercules!  Hercules!  Hercules!" - THE NUTTY PROFESSOR 2

    Butts and Stuff!

  o Ass cam - BIG MOMMA'S HOUSE
  o Ass juice - READY TO RUMBLE
  o Butt kicker - SHAFT
  o Schlong - HOLLOW MAN

  o Buck teeth - BEST IN SHOW
  o Pubic hair - SCARY MOVIE
  o Pea soup - THE EXORCIST
  o Focker - MEET THE PARENTS

  o And the Sumo wrestlers sing - RUGRATS IN PARIS
  o And country music plays - YOU CAN COUNT ON ME
  o And Al gets animated - FANTASIA 2000
  o And everybody dies - THE VIRGIN SUICIDES

  o Best Performance By An Inanimate Object - CAST AWAY


MIA
===

What, no QUILLS, YI-YI, or GROUCHY TIGER?  Didn't see 'em or haven't
yet seen 'em.  Same for such other notable (or notorious) titles as
AIMEE AND JAGUAR, ALICE ET MARTIN, ALL THE PRETTY HORSES, AUTUMN IN
NEW YORK (or BOREDOM IN NEW YORK, as my mother coined), BAIT, BLESS
THE CHILD, BLAIR WITCH 2: BOOK OF SHADOWS, BOYS AND GIRLS, BUT I'M A
CHEERLEADER!, John Waters' CECIL B. DEMENTED, CENTER STAGE, CHUCK AND
BUCK, THE CUP, DUETS, DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS, AN EVERLASTING PIECE, THE
GIFT, GIRL ON A BRIDGE, GOSSIP, HANGING UP, HIGHLANDER: ENDGAME (se-
quel #3 or #4?), I DREAMED OF AFRICA, LADIES MAN, THE LIFE AND TIMES
OF HANK GREENBERG, LOSER, LOST SOULS, LOVE AND BASKETBALL, LOVE'S LA-
BOUR'S LOST (Can you imagine the pitch?  It's not just Shakespeare...
It's Shakespeare with *singing*!) MAD ABOUT MAMBO, ME MYSELF I, MEN
OF HONOR, MY DOG SKIP, NEXT FRIDAY, The Coens' OH BROTHER, WHERE ART
THOU?, RED PLANET, SAVING GRACE, SHADOW OF THE VAMPIRE, blah! blah!,
SHOWER, STEAL THIS MOVIE!, SUBURBIA, SUNSHINE, THIRTEEN DAYS, Joel
Schumacher's TIGERLAND, TURN IT UP, UP AT THE VILLA, URBAN LEGENDS:
THE FINAL CUT (sorry I missed *that* one), VERTICAL LIMIT, WONDER-
LAND, and that terrible, pre-teen triumvirate THE TIGGER MOVIE, THOM-
AS AND THE MAGIC RAILROAD, and POKEMON: THE MOVIE 2000.  Yowza!  Glad
*my* oats ain't never taken seed...

Copyright 2000 by Michael J. Legeros
Movie Hell is a trademark of Michael J. Legeros