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                   MOVIE HELL:  The Year in Review

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MOVIE HELL
==========

Weekly Rants and Pants by Michael J. Legeros
"If you can't say something nice, at least have something to say."


Contents
========

  - Introduction
  - Best, Worst, and Walkouts
  - Memories of a Moviegoing Year
  - Disclaimer


Introduction
============

Man, did things start to suck in 1999.  Oh, the *films* were large-
ly better-than-expected.  ARLINGTON ROAD, COOKIE'S FORTUNE, ELECT-
ION, eXistenZ, HANDS ON A HARD BODY, INSTINCT, THE LIMEY, THE MUM-
MY, OCTOBER SKY, OFFICE SPACE, THE SIXTH SENSE, SOUTH PARK: BIGGER, 
LONGER, AND UNCUT, TEN THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU, THE THIRTEENTH WAR-
RIOR, and THE THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR were just *some* of the many, 
many recommendables.  A pretty good crop all around, 'cept where 
running times were concerned.  Between Thanksgiving and Christmas, 
in particular, butts were numbed with the 140-minute-or-more ANNA 
AND THE KING, ANY GIVEN SUNDAY, THE GREEN MILE, THE MESSENGER, RIDE 
WITH THE DEVIL, and THE (UN)TALENTED MR. RIPLEY.  Trailer reels got 
longer, too.  And louder.  And with more and more commercials.  (No 
wonder so many people arrive late to a movie!)  The biggest pre-mi-
llenium downer, however, was the hype.  Hype about Star Wars.  Hype 
about Austin Powers.  Hype about Blair Witch.  Hype about James 
Bond.  And, in each and every of the aforementioned cases, the ad 
campaign was better than the movie.  (Star Wars was a shock, but 
Blair Witch was pretty easy to shrug off.  Same for AP and JB, as 
neither of their last films was anything worth writing home about.)
Happily, there was the occasional gem to be found.  THE IRON GIANT 
over the summer...  THE WINSLOW BOY earlier in the year...  THE 
STRAIGHT STORY later...  Thank God for the good ones.  And Thank 
God for those theaters that show 'em with minimal trailers and no 
commercials.  When the lights go down, you (almost) don't even have 
to worry about getting grumpy!


Best, Worst, and Walkouts
=========================

The cream of the crop and the bottom of the barrel, plus a record 
eighteen walk-outs...


      Best                           Worst
      -----                          -----

   1. THE STRAIGHT STORY          1. THE OMEGA CODE
   2. THE IRON GIANT              2. CHILL FACTOR
   3. THE WINSLOW BOY             3. THE HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL
   4. THE DREAMLIFE OF ANGELS     4. A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM
   5. TOY STORY 2                 5. VIRUS


      Honorable Mention              Yuck, Too
      -----------------              ---------

    - AMERICAN BEAUTY              - BABY GENIUSES
    - BEING JOHN MALKOVICH         - DEEP BLUE SEA
    - GO                           - END OF DAYS
    - NOTTING HILL                 - 8MM
    - RIDE WITH THE DEVIL          - LOST AND FOUND     


      Worth Walking Out On
      --------------------

    - ANNA AND THE KING          
    - BLAST FROM THE PAST        
    - DOG PARK                   
    - DROP DEAD GORGEOUS         
    - DUDLEY DO-RIGHT            
    - FLAWLESS                   
    - GLORIA                     
    - LIFE                       
    - MICKEY BLUE EYES           
    - THE MOD SQUAD
    - NEVER BEEN KISSED
    - OUTSIDE PROVIDENCE
    - PRINCESS MONONOKE
    - PUSHING TIN
    - THE RAGE: CARRIE 2
    - RANDOM HEARTS
    - RUNAWAY BRIDE
    - 200 CIGARETTES


Memories of a Moviegoing Year
=============================

 o Rupert Everett as a super-villain, INSPECTOR GADGET
 o Geoffrey Rush as a super-villain, MYSTERY MEN
 o Pierce Brosnan in a bowler, THOMAS CROWN
 o Marlo Thomas in black, DEUCE BIGALO

 o Robert DeNiro as Fredo, ANALYZE THIS
 o Val Kilmer as Steve Wonder, LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT
 o John Cleese as Q's assistant, THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH
 o Coastal Maine as Coastal North Carolina, MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE

 o "Don't talk to any toy you don't know!" TOY STORY 2
 o "You're a lucky wee man!" AUSTIN POWERS 2
 o "Guess how many?" THE DINNER GAME
 o "Whoa," THE MATRIX

 o Will Smith wears a dress, WILD WILD WEST
 o Harrison Ford wears an earring, RANDOM HEARTS
 o James Woods makes the movie, THE GENERAL'S DAUGHTER
 o The audience doesn't get scared, THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT

 o "Please hold," GALAXY QUEST
 o "Talk to the butt," STUART LITTLE
 o "What the hell is a widget?" MUMFORD
 o "Get a sense of humor buddy," reader mail

 o Satan sings, SOUTH PARK
 o Satan gropes, END OF DAYS
 o Janet McTeer drawls, TUMBLEWEEDS
 o The audience doesn't get aroused, EYES WIDE SHUT

 o Sam Jackson for dinner, DEEP BLUE SEA
 o Meat Loaf with breasts, FIGHT CLUB
 o Giant robot, THE IRON GIANT
 o Flute, AMERICAN PIE

 o "Exsqueeze me," THE PHANTOM MENACE
 o "Do you have any John Grisham?" NOTTING HILL
 o "Shakespeare.  Shake spear.  Shake a spear," BOWFINGER
 o "I don't get it, were they all gay?"  Overhead after MR. RIPLEY

 o Rat Cam, THE BONE COLLECTOR
 o Symbolic vaginas, THE BACHELOR
 o Saul Rubinek as Henry Kissinger, DICK
 o Charlie Sheen as himself, BEING JOHN MALKOVICH

 o Chris Cooper's tough love, OCTOBER SKY
 o Chris Cooper's tougher love, AMERICAN BEAUTY
 o Terence Stamp tells Bill Duke about himself, THE LIMEY
 o Man dressed as woman sings science-fiction folk songs, TREKKIES


Disclaimer
==========

Haven't seen or didn't see the following, which may skewer "best" 
and "worst" results:  AMERICAN MOVIE, ANGELA'S ASHES, BOYS DON'T 
CRY, THE END OF THE AFFAIR, 42 UP, THE GENERAL, HOLY SMOKE, THE 
HURRICANE, MAGNOLIA, MR. DEATH: THE RISE AND FALL OF FRED A. LEUCH-
TER, JR., SNOW FALLING ON CEDARS, SWEET AND LOWDOWN, TOPSY-TURVY, 
XIU XIU: THE SENT-DOWN GIRL, and THE WAR ZONE.  As for ALL ABOUT MY 
MOTHER, I missed some scenes due to droopy eyelids.  I'll re-watch.   

Copyright 2000 Michael J. Legeros
Movie Hell is a trademark of Michael J. Legeros

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keywords: film movie review mike michael legeros raleigh carolina
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