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                   Letters to Hell - April, 1998

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Contents
========

 - Full-Time (Paying) Job
 - Anything At All?
 - Kate Winslet's Head
 - Nailed
 - Give Me Informations
 - Canned, Trite, and Self-Absorbed
 - Blues Thing
 - Casting Call
 - Two Different Versions
 - Why On Earth?


Full-Time (Paying) Job
======================

[ From: Jess at AOL ] 

> Why you don't have full-time (paying) job writing about movies?
>

[ You mean, actually *have* to go these dreadful films?  I don't
  think so... ]


Anything At All?
================

[ From: "afdads" ]
[ Re: Hello ]

> Do you know anything about film?  Where do you come from?
>

[ Gee, I sure hope so!  I come from Earth, by way of Morehead 
  City, by way of Minneapolis. ]


Kate Winslet's Head
====================

[ From: Mandy in Miami ]
[ Re: TITANIC ]

> Did you notice how large Kate Winslet's head looks next to that 
> dear, misguided boy's?

[ Alas, no.  I was paying closer attention to her... necklace. ]


Nailed
======

[ From: Glenn in Alberta ]
[ Re: THE REPLACEMENT KILLERS ] 

> You actually walked out of this one?  What I find interesting is 
> that you were able to hit the nail on the head with your review, 
> despite leaving halfway through.  The second half of the film was 
> much like the first: one huge, extended gunfight with the occa-
> sional line or two of dialogue as a breather.  And the ending was 
> pretty much what you'd guess it would be.

[ Needless to say, I don't rent these, later, to see what I mis-
  sed... ]


Give Me Informations
====================

[ From: Luzius in Czechoslovakia, I believe ]

> Would you please have the kindness to give me informations about 
> the movie JANE EYRE and the soundtrack of this movie.  Is the 
> soundtrack on CD available?  Where can I buy it?  For your 
> promptly efforts, I thank you very much in advance.

[ Try www.cdnow.com or www.cdworld.com.  Both are reliable online 
  record stores. ]


Canned, Trite, and Self-Absorbed
================================

[ From: Greg in Portland, Maine ]
[ Re: Thanks ]

> I just wanted to drop you a quick line and say thanks for your 
> candid and humorous reviews.  There is not a lot that brightens 
> up a Monday but reading about all the canned, trite, and self- 
> absorbed movies that flow from Hollywood certainly helps.  Your 
> reviews are honest, well-written, thought-provoking, and even a 
> little cynical. 

[ Just a little... ]


Blues Thing
===========

[ From: Jim in Raleigh ]
[ Re: MERCURY RISING ]

> > When Willis wanders into a Chicago blues bar, there's Koko 
> > Taylor belting her best.  Yeah, she got more screen time in 
> > BLUES BROTHERS 2000, but I ain't complainin'.
>
> Hey Mike, are you from Chicago?  You seem to give that extra 
> benefit of the doubt to anything that even shows the skyline 
> once.  (Not quite as bad as Siskbert, who both gave SPACE JAM 
> 3.5 stars, if I recall correctly).  And *nobody* outside of 
> town seems to appreciate Koko very much-- did you see her at 
> that Durham blues thing last year?

[ No, I missed that show.  But I did see SPACE JAM.  And gave it
  a "B". ]


Casting Call
============

[ From: Bret in New York ]

> I am a franchised Equity, Screen Actors Guild, and Aftra agent in 
> New York.  Last night both myself and [-------------], one of the 
> other agents here, were impressed with the young actor who played 
> the role of Emilio in DANGEROUS MINDS.  This was the role of the 
> young man who was killed in a fight with the former lover of his 
> girlfriend.  I would like to get in touch with him directly or 
> his Equity agent.  There is a show that will soon be casting in 
> New York and I think he might be a strong contender for a major 
> role in this show.  If you can help us we would be grateful.

[ The best resource for this is probably the Internet Movie Data-
  base, at http://us.imdb.com. ]


Two Different Versions
======================

[ From: Paul, stationed in Bosnia ]

> I just read your review of THE ABYSS.  We just finished watching 
> it this evening.  My Commander thought there was another ending, 
> in which there's almost a war and the aliens stop it.  Are there 
> two different versions?  And if so, did the other version involve
> a war?

[ Yes, there are two version of THE ABYSS.  The longer one-- James
  Cameron's so-called "director's cut"-- adds footage about how the 
  aliens are threatening coastal countries with giant tidal waves, 
  unless the certain superpowers stop "gearing up for war."  Much 
  of this was omitted from the initial theatrical release.  Is it a 
  "better" version?  Yes and no.  It's nice to see the presence of 
  the aliens explained, though the accompanying narrative is pain-
  fully literal.  Kinda like the TITANIC screenplay. ]


Why on Earth
============

[ From: Matt in California ]

> Just by reading your review, one might think that you gave the 
> film a "C-" or a "D+" rating.  You mention everything you thought 
> was wrong with the film, but you didn't say one *good* thing 
> about TITANIC.  Why on earth did you give it a "B+"?  At least 
> you could have mentioned Kate Winslet's performance, or the great 
> effects and historical detail (human mannerisms as well as sets 
> and costumes), or the way Cameron holds our attention.  I am a 
> reviewer myself, and I think a review should be in sync with the 
> rating, and vice versa.  

[ Anyone can give praise; it's making fine whine that's the 
  delicate craft...  Good night everybody! ]