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                    Letters to Hell - April 1999

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Contents
========

 - Gripes
 - Bloopers
 - Big Words
 - It's Genetic
 - Why Do You Say This?
 - Demi Moore as Hester Pryne
 - No New Ways to Die
 - Oscar, Oscar, Oscar
 - Theater Hell
 - But Who's Counting?


Gripes
======

[ From: Linda ]
[ Re: SMALL SOLDIERS (1998) ]

> You have the worst Web page I have ever seen!!!!!!!!
>

[ Thanks! ]


[ From: Carrie ]
[ Re: FEAR OF A BLACK HAT (1994) ]

> Get a sense of humor buddy!
>

[ Will do! ]


Bloopers
========

[ From: John ]
[ RE: A BUG'S LIFE ]

> I was wondering if you knew what role Woody played in his cameo
> in the second set of bloopers? 

[ Alas, I don't remember.  Rent the video-- it was released last 
  week. ]


Big Words
=========

[ From: Andrew ]

> Rent DANCER, TEXAS POP. 81.  It's a sap drama about four high school 
> grads.  "Should I stay or should I go?" is the theme.  Dancer's pac-
> ing is managed, but the venue's contrition is downplayed by its char-
> acters' accessibility.  I can identify.  I felt like I was there.
>

[ Thanks for the recommendation.  Now if I can just figure out what 
  "contrition" means... ]


It's Genetic
============

[ From: My brother Tim in Boston ]
[ Re: PUSHING TIN ]

> > Not much momentum; stupid, stupid, stupid plot twist that lands one > >
hour in.  I lost all respect for the movie and took off.
>
> I left after 15 minutes!  Painfully bad...

[ Amen, Brother. ]


Why Do You Say This?
====================

[ From: David in Chapel Hill ]
[ Re: Summer Sneak Preview ]

> > THE THIRTEENTH WARRIOR (BV)...  Potential Suck Factor (PSF): 228.
> 
> Why do you say this?

[ Partly because the previews look crappy; partly 'cause 'twas to be
  released *last* summer.  And that's never a good sign. ]


Demi Moore as Hester Pryne
==========================

[ From: Andra ]

> I'm a college student who is writing a paper on THE SCARLET LETTER.  
> If you think sitting through two hours of Demi Moore as Hester Pryne
> was bad, just imagine sitting through those two hours and then anal-
> yzing it for half of a semester!  Anyway, I'm writing a paper on the 
> different movie versions of the SL.  Do you know of any good sites 
> that could help me out with this paper?

[ Try the Internet Movie Database, http://us.imdb.com, for starters. ]


No New Ways to Die
==================

[ From: Larry in Indiana ]
[ Re: THE RAGE: CARRIE 2 ]

> > In fact, there's really only one instance of jarring violence in 
> > the first hour, when a student takes a flying leap and lands face-
> > first on a parked car.  (The bone-crunching impact is viewed 
> > through the windshield, suggesting that director Katt Shea has pio-
> > neered a new technical technique:  the suicide cam.)
>
> Already seen it.  BURNT OFFERINGS, 1976.  Live long enough and you
> realize that there are no new ways to die... or reasons to keep going 
> to movies like these.

[ I hear there's nothing new under the sun, either. ]


Oscar, Oscar, Oscar
===================

[ From: Carrie in Raleigh ]

> > Easily the dullest Oscar evening in years...
> 
> Ugh.  I'm glad someone shared the same "joy" I experienced as I 
> watched the Oscars last night.  Zzzzzzzz. 

[ From: Linda in Cary ]

> What a long-sit!  What a butt-number!!  The only thing I'd add:  bor-
> ing fashions.  I used to look forward to outrageous hairdos and out-
> fits; now everyone is so tasteful.  And while I'm glad they've stop-
> ped doing corny production numbers, it looks like they're subbing 
> interminable film clips instead.  The clips have such quick shots 
> that it's impossible to derive any enjoyment from them!  I'd rather 
> see movie trailers...

[ At least Billy Crystal was funny!  Oh, wait, that was last year. ]


Theater Hell
============

[ From: Charlie in Raleigh ]
[ Re: Aisle Be Damned Awards ]

> Before the Raleigh Grand opened, I went to the Park Place 16.  A few 
> months passed and I went back.  Boy, did it smell!  Do they even air > out
their theaters?

[ From: Miranda in Miami ]

> Did I mention the horror of opening YOU'VE GOT MAIL?  A mid-movie 
> reel change left the screen split... for almost 10 minutes!  This was 
> during an intense back-and-forth between the two main characters at 
> their computers.  No action, just the expressions on their faces as 
> they intently watched their screens.  Now, with the top cut off, you 
> couldn't see either character's eyes-- and let me tell you, Tom 
> Hanks' chin has seen better days!  So, you start to realize that (a) 
> you're sitting in a theatre (with crappy attention to detail) and (b) 
> actors mainly act with their eyes.  Needless to say, I lost all empa-
> thy with the characters during this sequence.  I complained afterward 
> and, get this, they said "Oh, we just thought it was 'artsy' direc-
> tion.'"

[ Sigh. ]


But Who's Counting?
===================

[ From: Tom ]
[ Re: eXistenZ ]

> > By the final scenes, everything at long last makes satisfying 
> > sense.  I'm glad I didn't walk out...
> 
> And one has to wonder how many other movies you might have been able
> to say that about, had you only stayed in your seat instead of leav-
> ing?

[ Thirty-three to be exact.  That's how many I've walked out on in the 
  last five years and 787 films.  

  But who's counting?

  Good night everybody! ]


Copyright 1998 by Michael J. Legeros
Movie Hell is a trademark of Michael J. Legeros