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                     Letters to Hell - December, 1998
 
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Contents
========

 - Why?
 - How?
 - Beautiful White Girl
 - F/A, BTW?
 - Thoughts of Monica, Maybe?
 - Classic Piece of Trash
 - Nobody Doing Movie Reviews
 - All The Critics Have Gone Totally Mad
 - Two Babes
 - Heaps of Dog Crap


Why?
====

[ From: Alex ]

> Why do you call your web site MOVIE HELL? 
> 

[ Because it's catchy. ]


How?
====

[ From: Jonny ]

> Do you randomly assign grades to the movies you review? 
> 

[ But of course!  Doesn't every critic? ]


Beautiful White Girl
====================

[ From: Riccardo in Italy ]

> I'm trying to find the name of the beautiful white girl that 
> played in the film BAD BOYS... can you help me?

[ Tea Leoni? ]

 
F/A, BTW?
=========

[ From: Ginger ]
[ Re: Your Reviews ]

> Where have you been hiding?  Your reviews were just what the 
> doctor ordered!  You do videos?  And since I just found you on 
> the NG, what does W/O stand for?  How about F/A?  

[ W/O is a walk out.  F/A is either an "F" or an "A," usually in 
  the case of a movie that's so bad it's good. ]


Thoughts of Monica, Maybe?
==========================

[ From: Thomas at UCLA ]
[ Re: KURT AND COURTNEY ]

> > Friends, I have seen the worst movie of the year and, like 
> > last summer's SPEED 2: CRUISE CONTROL, this one's so bad it's 
> > good.  
>
> I have to disagree with you there.  SPEED 2 was so bad it was 
> *horrible*.  It actually beat out RED DAWN as my personal all- 
> time worst movie. 
> 
> To be honest, your subject line, The Act of Sucking, caught my 
> eye, but it turns out your posting wasn't what I thought it 
> would be.


Classic Piece of Trash
======================

[ From: Jeffrey at UNC ]
[ Re: MOVIE HELL: October 19, 1998 ]

> > And there's this, from the Apocalypse Watch Desk:  BRIDE OF 
> > CHUCKY earned almost $12 million over the weekend, placing 
> > second (!) at the box-office.  The tag-line, in case you 
> > missed it: "Chucky gets lucky."  Welcome to Hell.
> 
> It's a classic piece of trash.  Better than a "butt-number."  I 
> recommend you see it at the Starlight in Durham.  The perfect 
> cheesy drive-in flick.  Bring wine and cheese and watch Chucky 
> get lucky!


Nobody Doing Movie Reviews
==========================

[ From: Sarah ]

> Excuse me but Reese Witherspoon is a very good actress.  I would 
> say she has accomplished a hell of a lot more then you have, 
> considering she is a famous celebrity and you are a nobody
> doing movie reviews.  And she also likely makes more money then 
> you ever will.  Have you even seen any of her other movies?  You 
> sound pathetic.  If you are going to insult someone's acting 
> ability at least have the sense to know what the hell you are 
> talking about, which you obviously don't.

[ Obviously! ]


All of the Critics Have Gone Totally Mad
========================================

[ From: My Brother Tim in Boston ]
[ Re: WHAT DREAMS MAY COME ]

> Double yawn.  Five minutes of effects and you've seen it.
> 

[ From: Beth in Raleigh ]

> By the by, if you trash WHAT DREAMS MAY COME (like all the other 
> critics) I will be totally sure that all of the critics of the 
> world have gone mad.  I found it to be absolutely extraordinary 
> in the visual department, I cried throughout the entire film 
> (and the person who was with me cried as much as I did-- yes, 
> she was female-- but what is your point???  We saw many a 
> sensitive male in the theater ballin' right along with us.)  I 
> walked out of that movie, with puffy eyes, a sniffle in my nose 
> and feeling  totally satisfied.  It may be better than NEXT 
> STOP, WONDERLAND.

[ It wasn't. ]

          
Two Babes
=========

[ From: Karen in Durham ]
[ Re: PRACTICAL MAGIC ]

> Well, I'm happy to report that both my boyfriend and I think you 
> made a big mistake by walking out of PRACTICAL MAGIC.  He gives 
> it a solid B+ and I give it a B/B+.   


[ From: Glenn in Edmonton, Canada ]

> > Grade: W/O
>
> I'm always curious about your "W/O" ratings, since I have a 
> personal rule about not walking out of a movie I paid my four 
> bucks to see. 
>
> Anyway, I did sit through PRACTICAL MAGIC and I'd love to tell 
> you that between falling asleep and leaving the film, you didn't 
> miss anything.  Unfortunately, I can't.  You missed a romantic 
> comedy.  You missed a supernatural thriller.  You missed a 
> psychotic-boyfriend horror movie.  You missed a detective film. 
> You missed a goofy "chick flick".  All of this, in the same 
> movie, as it traveled over the map trying to figure out just 
> what genre it was supposed to be in... I gave it a thumbs-down 
> myself -- and with two babes like Kidman and Bullock in it, 
> that's not easy.

[ But... were there any nude scenes?? ]


Heaps of Dog Crap
=================

[ From: Scott, 
  as posted by him and others to rec.arts.movies.current-films ]

> > MEET JOE BLACK is a bore.  Pretty people, potent premise, and 
> > some surprisingly strong characterizations.  Handsome 
> > production design, as well, but director Martin Brest (SCENT 
> > OF A WOMAN) lets too many scenes run too long.  (Total time:  
> > 178 minutes.  Oy.)  He also failed to nix the film's big 
> > casting boo-boo: pairing Jeffrey Tambor with the decades-
> > younger looking Marcia Gay Harden.  Huh?  I left at the 90-
> > minute mark...  
> 
> You as jerk always walking out on movies.  You are not a true 
> critic.  I am a critic myself and have only walked out on six 
> movies ever.  I give the benefit of the doubt it may get better.


[ From: MM ]

> > You as jerk always walking out on movies. You are not a true 
> > critic. I am a critic myself and have only walked out on six 
> > movies ever.  I give the benefit of the doubt it may get 
> > better.
>
> You're a critic, too?  You must have an excellent editor.
>


[ From: WM ]

> > You're a critic, too?  You must have an excellent editor. 
>
> His poor grammar notwithstanding, he does have a point.  
> Perhaps we ought to pay Mr. Legeros for being a cynic, rather 
> than a critic.  His invaluable reviews brim with incisive 
> insight. Hold on... he doesn't get paid.  I wonder why...


[ From:  WTF ]

> > You as jerk always walking out on movies. 
> >
> His reviews are still better than most.  Would you prefer a 
> quote whore like Ron "Thrill Ride Of The Summer" Brewington?  I 
> can't believe that Mr. Movie Hell sits through as much crap as 
> he does.


[ From: John ]

> > You as jerk always walking out on movies. You are not a true 
> > critic. I am a critic myself and have only walked out on six 
> > movies ever.  I give the benefit of the doubt it may get 
> > better.
>
> If you find that the first half of a glass of milk is sour, do 
> you keep drinking on the assumption that the rest of the glass 
> will be fresh?
> 
> Nice grammar, dude.


[ From: Justin ]

> > If you find that the first half of a glass of milk is sour, do 
> > you keep drinking on the assumption that the rest of the glass 
> > will be fresh?
>
> As a non-walker-out, that is an unfair analogy. First off, I 
> like to check the expiration date on the carton before pouring 
> it into my glass.  Then, just to be safe, I'll sniff the milk in 
> my glass.  Only when I know for a fact that my milk is as fresh 
> as morning dew do I take a gulp.


[ From: PE ]

> > As a non-walker-out, that is an unfair analogy. First off, I 
> > like to check the expiration date on the carton before pouring 
> > it into my glass. Then, just to be safe, I'll sniff the milk 
> > in my glass. Only when I know for a fact that my milk is as 
> > fresh as morning dew do I take a gulp.
> 
> But what if, despite all of those metaphorical precautions, the 
> milk is still somehow sour?  Would you force yourself to drink 
> all of it?
>
> Or what if you'd never tasted milk before, and although this 
> milk was as fresh as fresh can be, you just couldn't stand how 
> it tasted?  Would you force yourself to finish it all?
> 
> I also don't understand the people who pride themselves on being 
> able to watch every movie, no matter how terribly boring, 
> without giving up.  When these same people notice a pile of 
> steaming dog sh*t on the sidewalk, do they run over and munch 
> the entire thing down so that they can boast about it the next 
> day? Because really, it makes about as much sense as forcing 
> yourself to sit through something you don't want to sit through.
>
> Remember, movies shouldn't be a chore.


[ From: Mark ]

> > Because really, it makes about as much sense as forcing
> > yourself to sit through something you don't want to sit
> > through.
> 
> Some movies have been known to get better after an inauspicious
> beginning.  Heaps of dog crap rarely improve.
> 
> Obviously, if someone sits through a movie they don't find
> entertaining, there's a motive besides entertainment behind it.
> Sheer curiosity, most likely.  This is not necessarily a bad
> thing, and it surely beats humoring one's short attention span.

[ Amen.  Good night everybody! ]

Copyright 1998 Michael J. Legeros
Movie Hell is a trademark of Michael J. Legeros