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                     Letters to Hell - June 1999

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Contents
========
    
  - Kudos
  - And God Bless The United States of America
  - Bad Satan 
  - Glamorous White Women
  - Your Slip is Showing
  - Script Problems #1
  - Script Problems #2
  - We Both Suck
  - Embarrassing

    
Kudos
=====
         
[ From: Billy ]
                                                                  
> Great site.  I like the layout and that you go fairly low-tech so
> everyone can access and read it quickly.

[ We aims to please! ]


And God Bless The United States of America
==========================================
                                                            
[ From: Beth in Raleigh ]

> Praise the baby Jesus!  I'm glad that you're back to actually 
> *writing* reviews.  Those charts were lethargic!

[ Agreed. ]


Bad Satan
=========
     
[ From: Andrea ]
[ Re: MOVIE HELL: May 3, 1999 ]

> Good God!  I got paranoid there for a second seeing May 3rd 
> associated with "Movie Hell" like that, since it was the 
> day I turned 21!  Yep, me and James Brown's birthday...

[ Ow! ]                                                 
             

Glamorous White Women
=====================

[ From: Larry ]
[ Re: Summer Sneak Preview ]
                
> > o FIFTY VIOLINS (Miramax)
> >
> >   Drama starring Meryl Streep as inspiring East Harlem music
> >   teacher.  Gloria Esefan and Aidan Quinn also star.  Wes Craven
> >   (SCREAM) directs of all people.
>
> Sounds like a movie Michelle Pfeiffer made a few years ago.  Good
> thing we have all these glamorous white women charging in to save
> the inner cities.

[ The answer is... DANGEROUS MINDS. ]

                                                                            
Your Slip is Showing
====================

[ From: Ana in Raleigh ]
            
> > I can advise that ENTRAPMENT is a long sit.  (Like that's any 
> > surprise.)  Glossy as all get-out, the thievery thriller at least
> > has some way-cool gadgets and star power out the wazoo.  (Cour-
> > tesy of Connery and ethnic mystery girl Catherine Zeta-Jones', 
> > whose combined ages approach 100.  Mercifully, there are no love 
> > scenes.)  Slow spots, proposterious plotting, unbelievable char-
> > acters, it's all here.
>
> Is "proposterior" intentional?  Did you mean preposterous?  LOL

[ Butt out. ]
      

Script Problems #1
==================

[ From: Mary in Cary ]
[ Re: THE PHANTOM MENACE ]                                

> After the first viewing, I walked away wondering how it was possi-
> ble to spend 20 years writing such a bad script.  I even stayed up
> one night trying to figure out how I could have made the script
> better.  The lack of emotion is odd, to say the least.  (Anakin's
> mother doesn't even get tear-eyed when her tiny son is taken away
> from her?  What were they thinking??)

[ Not enough, apparently. ]


Script Problems #2
==================

[ From: Carrie in Raleigh ]

> Did the writers from the TGIF show "Full House" help with Jar 
> Jar's dialogue?  He said "how rude" about five times, yield *no* 
> laughs from the audience I was with!

[ You thought it... jarring? ]


We Both Suck
============

[ From: Rich in Raleigh ]
[ Re: THE PHANTOM MENACE - 50 THINGS... ]

> > [ snip ]
> > 
> > 48. "Always two there are.  No more.  No less."
> > 49. Doors that slam shut in a quarter-second.
> > 50. Natalie Portman's smile.
> 
> Nice list Mike!  I'd like to add a few of my own...
> 
> 51. "Real" saber dueling
> 52. "Roger Roger!"
> 53. R2's head popping up during the pod race
> 54. "You's in big doo-doo dis time!"


[ From: Joseph at UNC ]

>  You guys both suck and need to get out more often.  You were 
> probably both crying the first time you saw the movie.  
>
> Get a life, ladies!

[ Yes sir! ]


Embarrassing
============

[ From: S. in Raleigh ]
 
> > Cross-dressing!  Mud-wrestling!!  Inter-species sex!!!  The
> > latest installment of the Jerry Shakespeare Show. writer/
> > director Michael Hoffman's 19th-Century update of A MIDSUMMER
> > NIGHT'S DREAM, stars Kevin Kline, Michelle Pfeiffer, Rupert
> > Everett, Stanley Tucci, and Calista Flockhart, among others-- an
> > ensemble of very pretty, *very* well-coifed actors, each of whom
> > can probably speak Pig Latin better than ye olde, tongue-twist-
> > ing iambic pentameter...
> >
> > Grade: D+
>
> You know, Mike, white American men in the 20th century didn't in-
> vent convoluted stories, and people have been engaged in astounding 
> "white trash" feats for centuries.  Look at the Bible.  Look at 
> Homer.  Look at Plato.  Try reading some Shakespeare.  For you, I 
> suggest Cliff's Notes.  Before you see the movies and write embar-
> rassing reviews.


[ Based on my extensive readings of Homer (Simpson), I concur... 

  Good night, everybody! ]


Copyright 1999 by Michael J. Legeros
Movie Hell is a trademark of Michael J. Legeros