-------------------------------------------------------------------

                  Letters to Hell - October 2000

-------------------------------------------------------------------


Contents
========

  o Introduction
  o Will Do!
  o Does The Subject Matter Leave You Cross?
  o Dancer in the Dark #1
  o Ugly Words #1
  o Dancer in the Dark #2
  o Ugly Words #2
  o Not Indianapolis
  o Ugly Words #3
  o Coming Next Summer
  o Sword Sheathed, Sword Out
  o Question
  o Answer
  o Narcolepsy?  What Does My Private Life Have To Do With This?


Introduction
============

Here's the latest batch of Letters to Hell, most of 'em culled from 
the newsgroup rec.arts.current.films.  Milder rants, this time.  Oh
well, maybe we'll see some spice closer to the holidays...


Will Do!
========

[ From: Someone at UC Berkeley ]

> Your infantile opinion is worthless.  So shut up.


Does The Subject Matter Leave You Cross?
========================================

[ From: George ]
[ Subject: THE EYES OF TAMMY FAYE ]

> She is not getting *any* of my money, no matter how good the mo-
> vie is.


Dancer in the Dark #1
=====================

[ From: Tim ]

> > Icelandic pop singer (and first-time actress) Bjork
> 
> Didn't you even check the Internet Movie Database?
 
[ Why?  Isn't that what readers are for? ]


Ugly Words #1
=============

[ From: John ]

> > COYOTE UGLY, an early candidate for Decade's Worst, is the se-
> > cond film of the summer produced by Jerry Bruckheimer, after 
> > the Nick Cage suck-fest GONE IN 60 SECONDS.  Director David Mc-
> > Nally (who?) 
> 
> Left-handed pitcher for the Orioles back in the Earl Weaver era.

[ Thanks, that helps little ]


Dancer in the Dark #2
=====================

[ From: Stephen in Los Angeles ]

> > Now, the whole thing is filmed in the style of an old home-
> > movie, using a BLAIR WITCH-certified handheld camera and a 
> > bleached, fuzzy-looking film stock.
> 
> Actually it was shot on video.

[ Well that explains it! ]


Ugly Words #2
=============

[ From: Dan ]

> > Little Ms. Innocent ends up "dirty bartending" at a raucous 
> > juke-joint where both the female owner and her bimbo staff all 
> > appear to have seen COCKTAIL one too many times.  (Well, that 
> > and SHOWGIRLS.)  There are howlers to spare in this one... 
>
> But COYOTE UGLY wasn't created for plot purposes; it's designed 
> for simple T & A!  Every man has got to love that.

[ Hold that thought ]


Not Indianapolis
================

[ From: Linda ]

> Hi Mike!  I certain enjoy your reviews.  Thank you for taking the 
> time to post such detail!  Amazing!

[ And then some! ]

> I have a question.  In two of the reviews I read today, you use 
> the term "indy" as an adjective.  What does it mean?  Thanks!

[ "Independent" AKA independently produced ]


Ugly Words #3
=============

[ From: HNN  ] 

> > But COYOTE UGLY wasn't created for plot purposes; it's designed 
> > for simple T & A!  Every man has got to love that.
> 
> Wrong.

[ From: TIP  ]

> T & A?  Even if I *wanted* that in a film, I wouldn't look for it 
> in some "PG-13" piece of crap like COYOTE UGLY.

[ Just wish I knew what T & A meant.  Truffles and artichokes, per-
  haps? ]


Coming Next Summer
==================

[ From: Darth ]

> > BLAIR WITCH: THE SEQUEL (for laugh-at-it value)
>  
> For one thing, you're an ass judging a movie you haven't seen, 
> and two, it comes out this October.


[ From: Bob ]

> Actually, it goes back to the old Chinese saying, "Fool me once, 
> shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me."  I will not see BW2.  
> I will not see MI2  If you liked the first one, you will probably 
> like the second.  If you didn't like the first one... follow the 
> logic?

[ I will not watch it at a dam,
  I will not watch it with a ram,
  I will not watch it on the lam,
  I will not watch it, Ass I Am ]


Sword Sheathed, Sword Out
=========================

[ From: Someone somewhere in Europe ]
[ Re: GLADIATOR ]

> > Grade: C+
> >
> Nice review!  Only one thing: THAT MOVIE BLOODY ROCKS.  First, 
> Russell Crowe kicks ass as a actor, and comparing it with BRAVE-
> HEART, which is a really low-movie with like ten mistakes in ev-
> ery scene (sword sheathed, sword out, sword sheathed and sword 
> out is a famous example).  And one thing that bugged me big time 
> is this whole review.  I don't have time to go into every sen-
> tence, but you are probably the only one who thinks what you 
> think about it!  I mean, it has won numerous rewards for its 
> fighting sequences that really gets the viewers into the battle
> and the music has won prizes, etc.  Every review I have read a-
> bout it likes the movie.  The fighting scenes kicks ass, the mu-
> sic really rocks sh*t, and the movie is just great!  So change 
> the grade to "A+", will you?  

[ Sure.  I'll get right on it. ]


Question
========

[ From: Matt ]

> What do you think of THE MATRIX?  Personally I think it was one 
> of the greatest movies of 1999.  Hopefully the MATRIX trilogy 
> will eighty-six the new STAR WARS films (EPISODE I: AWFUL).  Feel 
> free to be curt.

[ Thanks, but I'll be Mike.  See below ]


Answer
======

Think DARK CITY plus THE TERMINATOR plus ALIEN plus ALICE IN WON-
DERLAND plus a couple others I can't think of offhand.  There's 
really too much of everything in this one, from to plot to length 
to number of climaxes to the amount of close-but-not-quite-campy 
self-seriousness.  (Quite a few scenes border on being laughable.)  
Kick-ass kung-fu sequences and breathtaking slow-mo shoot 'em-ups, 
however, make this one a must-see.  Indeed, the visuals are unlike 
anything this kid's ever seen.  (Rated "R"/135 min.)

Grade: B-


Narcolepsy?  What Does My Private Life Have To Do With This?
============================================================

[ From: Greg ]
[ Re: Stapled to the Chair ]

> For what you are shelling out for movies these days, you have to
> quit getting those ants in the pants and stick around for the 
> end.  At least catch up on your sleep.  Is this the worst walk- 
> out summer on record?

[ Don't have seasonal figures, but here's the annual rate:

  1994 - 1
  1995 - 4
  1996 - 4
  1997 - 9
  1998 - 11
  1999 - 19
  2000 - 18 (so far)

  Wow! In a couple years, I won't even have to bother leaving the   
  house!  Good night everybody! ]

Copyright 2000 by Michael J. Legeros
Movie Hell is a trademark of Michael J. Legeros